4

Deception

She had a beautiful smile on her face. A smile that could win hearts, and melt anger. But little did she know, that her eyes deceive her. That the eyes told the untold, that she was all that her smiles did not say. It only takes a deeper look. She herself was a living lie.
2

Reflections

Another year has gone past. One third of my life is already over; and i must say i have lived it happily.

Now at this moment when i sit back and think about how i have lived, i have lived without the need to please anyone. I have made my own mistakes and corrected many of them. Some mistakes are left to be mistakes; there is hardly anything that you can do about.

I have made my folks proud, at the same time i have let them down too. I have hardly been the elder brother my sibling may have wanted, but i am trying. I have had my ups and down, i have had my fights and i have truly lived.

While i was busy alienating people for most of my life so far, surprising when i look back, i have also made a few friends for the life time. My social skills are always on the lower side, i suck at interactions, but i am glad i have made a few friends, a few like family in this short while...

One third of my life is over. Do i have regrets? Yes. Will i be able to forgive me when i die? Obviously. Would something be different if i had a change, not many, not much.

There is something i take pride in being me and that is letting know people that they matter. I can be really cold and shrug you out of my life if you don’t matter to me. But if at all i see anyone as a part of my life, my world, i have let them know it, and they know it.

It has always been hard for me to keep up with all the people i know, especially when there exist a lot of people who have found time to be judgmental on my sins, rather faults, or short comings, i have nothing to tell them, but for the ones who stood by, thank you. You mean the world to me.

I have let people down, i have hurt people, i have picked fights and i have walked out of many. I have broken hearts, broken hopes and gifted tears to many, but i believe that i am making up to it now.

I have only lived one third of my life, i still have the two third remain for the wrongs to be made rights, and for peace to be found.

I am glad to have learned all the lessons in life so far, and looking forward to learn more, I’d however say,Learning not to be emotional while making decisions, and learning how not to be dependent on anyone for my emotional stability are the best learning i have had so far.


To the ones who had to lie and betray, and pretend, i have nothing against you, and i may not forgive what you did to me. but i will conveniently forget your existence, that you live on the same earth i do, and i hope, i hope we may never cross paths, for it would be difficult for you to stand my sight.

To the ones who left me, thank you for the memories, those are worth holding on to. tomorrow when i have answer, if some one asks, what were the best days of my life, i might even mention you for the memories are sweeter

To the ones who stayed through the ups and downs, thank you.  You always found time to pick my calls, listen to me crib, complain, worry and even cry, i do not know what would i do without you. i do not know how my life would have turned around without you providing that shoulder of comfort. Trust me, there were days when i had lost the need to live, when i questioned my own existence even. Thank you for not being let down by me. Thank you for being there when i was down, low and out. Thank you for installing in me the desire to live and the faith to dream. 



To all the awesome people in my life, to the ones who make wish to wake up everyday and time to catch up, to have all the fun, Cheers. I hope i will be able to return all the love and affection and care you people shower up on me, i hope i will be able to be there when you need me. 

Thank you.

Today, i am 25 Years Young !

2

The Need of Letting Go

It’s natural that over a time period on our lives, we accumulate so much of emotions, worries and what not, such that it becomes a burden for us to move on and move ahead.  Be it success even in life, which becomes a burden after a while to live with the overwhelming feeling. I often hear and speak about the need of letting go. 

When i speak about letting go, i am not speaking about being careless and disregardful. I only intend to speak about the need of moving ahead and not clinging on to those moments of joy, or torment, or ecstasy. For me, i am pretty much humane that i hold on to certain memories even though painful, even though they take me down to a path where i lose my self and enter a state of complete negativity. I hold on to certain people who never deserved to be in my life, and i hold on to their memories.

What it essentially does to me, is that, i have an emotional and sentimental baggage to carry around. Every day i wake up, i wake up cussing, and cribbing and going over and over about the same dead past, only to multiply the weight of the already useless baggage i carry.

But will i be able to let go of such memories? I doubt that! But do i need to make efforts to do so? Obviously. Why because, i deserve to be happy and lead a better life. So do the rest of the people who cling on to their emotional and sentimental baggage. What do i or you gain by carrying it? We only spread it around the good and happy people who surround us, instead of accumulating moments of joy and laughter with them.

I have always believed that we cannot make someone like or love us. The best thing we can do is be us, apologetically. Those who leave, leave because they want to be selective about how we should be to them and how we should be with them. I repeat, the best thing we can do, is to be ourselves and never regret later.

The same applies to taking decisions in life. I have erred at two critical junctures in my life with 2 decisions which changed the course of my life. I do not regret it; anyhow i wish i did not take those decisions on an emotional background. I should have been better thoughtful about the outcomes. So tomorrow, when i make a decision, the things that i would consider would be, would this decision make me happy and not regret later? Would this decision not upset the people who i care about, but that would be secondary. I would rather pick my brain than my heart the next time i make a decision. 

Today, i take a decision to try and let go of the things i cannot change; i take a decision to forgive, and hopefully forget those who left me; i take a decision not to care about what the people around me says about the decisions i make in life.

There is something that i have known about me and accepted about me, i am flawed like everyone else. I have decided to let go of those who only see the flaws and judge me. 

I choose to let go because it gives me a freedom, and freedom i believe is the only condition for happiness.
I believe that i cannot be free and happy if i cling on to something, or anything, much like angry, possession, anxiety and grudge.

I choose to let go, 
not because it doesn’t hurt, 
not because it doesn’t mean anything, 
not because it don’t care,
but because,
only because i want to be happy and content,

when i die, i should be at peace!


Loner and Proud

The fact is nobody likes loneliness. There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. You can fall in love with solitude, but not loneliness. Solitude is a path chosen by the self. Loneliness is often coerced upon you; by people, by life, by experience, by places and what not. At times, you are let to be lonely because you are unacceptable for many, not because you don’t fit in; because they did not expect you to succeed. They judged you to fail and crumble and never to get back up. They never counted you worth.

I have had and still have haters, I have been cursed, and I have indeed felt unaccepted and not welcome amongst people and at places. But to tell the truth, now when I think, it made me who I am. I am proud to say that I am a loner, and I do not have attachments to people or places. Yes, a few exceptions included. Being the odd one out has only strengthened me as an individual and given me the direction to go forward. It has only made realize what life means, and why not to quit.

For those who thought I will never make it out of the darker phase, and that I will bury my face in self-pity about the dead and lamentable past, two words, Fuck You!

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50 Frames of Memory

Two weeks back, @arjunan_ asked a question about how much of our past do we remember? or how much of our life do we have in our memories? an interesting question to ponder. we always seem to remember things from the past, both happier and bitter moments. but to count them up and say yes i have atleast a 1000 frames of memory with me. tough indeed. i am quite sure that everyone of us, i, you, they, everyone will have things to remember, and we will have things we want to forget, and never remember. having said that, this is my attempt to recall atleast 100 frames of memory, memories worth keeping till i die. i am not sure if i would be able to recollect 100 frames. i can for sure recollect 100 elements of memory, or even more, we often associate elements with memory, elements being and varying from a place, a color, a song, a photo. the newer things are easier remembered. i'd go down the memory lane from new to the old thus. a fair reminder that even as i write this, i do not have anything in my memory about my life till class 4 or 5. may be my mom or dad or other relatives will be better positioned to remember those beautiful things.

1. First solo ride on a bullet. worth all the back pain, coughing and head ache.
2. Books, books and more books. i have gone back to the old and good habit of reading books. trust me, i have wanted to do this for a long time now. i finally manager to pull it off. we often blame ourselves or excuse ourselves saying we are too busy and too tired after to days job to do anything else, but with a little amount of planning and prioritizing, everything finds its space and the required time. 
3. Dubai. the place is marvelous. striking a meaningful conversation with the random stranger you meet in the bus, who admires India and who plans to visit the country, sometime in 2014, meeting @ShrijitNair and @artsz.
4. Lachu. she is the best thing to have happened in 2013. The days spend with this baby wonder, treasured for life. her each hug and kiss was such a soothing and heart warming experience.
5. Medicines, Medicines and More Medicines. still taking them.
6. Long break from work. A 6 months absence from work falling sick, getting desperate, getting back and getting back up again.
7. The demanding Work.
8. Read The Bhagavat Gita. it may have been a common thing for many others to read the Gita, and any other book. for me, it was a refreshing experience. it is not like i have become spiritual and follow all the rituals and practices. for the fickle minded person i am, as my friends say, and i politely accept, i have changed beliefs way too often and have not quite stayed and followed any one belief. I need to evolve better. reading the Gita for the first time is a wonderful experience, you should try it too. i plan to read TBG again, on a detailed note some time later. and no, i am not a Hinduist. I'd rather be a humanist.
9. The last meeting with her. happened in july. i have always wanted to get a closure on the things i do, i follow. this was no different. i wanted to say a good bye, and i am glad i said good bye.
10. The Dairy Entries. Yes i blog, i used to do it better, and i have not blogged like how i used to do for the last 2+ years. but i have indeed been writing. sadly none of that would come to light now. the diary project was a part of my break up plan with her. we both essentially decided to keep diary entries for an year all throughout the break up period, silly idea, i agree. but it worked great for me. i ended up writing a full book of events from my life, not necessarily the daily happenings in my life, it went beyond that. now how i wish i had another copy of all my writings in that, i could have very well gone on to make a book out of it a publish it. not boasting. trust me.
11. The birthday gifts. i am known for my inability to keep surprises and for my inability to select and give gifts. my thoughtful friends gave the gifts worth all the memory. for someone like me who likes writing down every element of my life, what else other than a diary and a pen would make the ideal gift? also red roses and the lovely funny greeting cards.
12. Momos - i have always been hesitant to try out new food items.  i kind of stick to the same old food habits that's been with me ever since i remember as a child. Momos is the only exception to have happened in that list. Thanks to @plainparanoid for making me try it out the first time. i was skeptical. and then it became a habit. She also installed in me a desire to get inked. my mom has issued strict warning that i will be send out of home if i get a tattoo. i am still not sure about the pain i will have to bear to get a tattoo done, but a tattoo is in the list, and i am for sure getting it done in some time.
13. Shravan Baba status. for all the philosophy i speak at desperate times and advices i give out to the ones who ask, i did attain a shravan baba status, the middle finger pose gave me another status of the ungli baba. for those who have seen me as the arrogant, careless person i am, i actually seem to have a softer side when with people who i care for. i can for sure be a good listener, and i can talk and make you feel better too.
14. Take my parents out for dinner, and lunch as well. i for sure have not been the ideal son as my parents wish. i have often hurt them and put them into tears with the things i have done. i will never be able to make up for that. but then, taking my parents, and my brother out for a dinner, for a lunch, such a moment of pride. i have always wanted to do. i plan to do it again. it is a known fact about me that i do not like attachments and i follow the concept of proxemics  i love my spaces, i find comfort in my solitude. even then, i find joy in taking out the family and doing the smaller easier things for them.
15. The new year's night, and the day that followed.

2013 was altogether one of the worst years my life so far. a lot of emotional turmoil, physical illness, depression, and silly petty fights. it could not have gotten any worse.

16. First salary. did nothing fancy with it. no gifting myself, no partying hard, no buying gifts for parents. started living independently. paid the room advance with the salary. nothing else.
17. First Work day - the day every college pass out waits to live in his life time. the first day you step into an office where you'd start the new phase of your life.
18. Interviews. 3 interviews. the first one lasted for a mere 5 minutes, the second for a whooping 16 hours span in 2 days and the last one for 6 hours in a day.
19. The First Job - not much after i passed out from college, i did join for work.
20. Completing my Masters.  though i now regret for doing a masters in management instead of media and language studies, i am glad i finally completed the course.
21. Days of short temper. i have had anger management issues for some days or months in 2012.
22. Letting go of people in life. i have never been a people pleaser, i have always had only a few close friends, and some seemed to become close, later than never, some people showed their true colors, and i had to let go. letting go was not easy. it would never be. but once you are done with all the drama that comes with it, the peace with which you live the next day, that is worth all the struggle.
23. life changing decisions. i started to prioritize everything in life. it did not not work out as i wished, but as i am writing down this in 2014, i am seeing that the priorities are getting in proper order now. 2 years to set the priorities, not so bad i say.
24. I realized the most important things in my life, Freedom, Independence, and Money. i am not considering the factors like family and relationships in this realization. these probably are the three things i would never want to make a compromise in life.
25. The essential Break Up. after a series of break up - get back together, break up - get back together, i and her finally decided to break up and it happened. the transition was not so smooth for me. but it worked.
26. Patching up with the group of friends who make a second family for me in college.
27. People issue and petty fights. i even picked up a fight with one of the faculties, calling him gay. He wanted to show me the exit gate from college. no bluff.
28. Issues with the director of the department. i always follow my principles. i cant stand it when people ask me to do things which i would never do. Apparently, the issues i created reached up to the directors ears, following the clashes on annual day, he wanted me to give out names of people who he wanted framed. Ended up saying, Sir, i don't need your assistance in placements, i will find my job myself. i was pretty confident of my skills and abilities and sure that i would land on a job anyhow. now when i think, i could have avoided these two issues, but very well, 2 years ago, you don't think and act like how to think at present.
29. Pigs and the bitch call. The details seem to be a little more personal than to have it published here.
30. Meeting Aparna aka @SunSandRain. i have always admired Kajal for her superior ability to write, i have been her fan every since i first read her blog. 2012 started on a high level, meeting Aparna, Anil- @a_sawan and Vinay. I was never pampered by anyone else like how she pampered, and all the chocolates, and icecreams, and all the fun. i still remember how she made me feel loved, and cared for. its true that we dont speak anymore, you have got busy with your life, but you are someone who i will admire and love for ever. you are the best poet i ever read too.
31. Feeling numb and losing out of many feelings. i had reached a saturated emotional stage then, where i no longer felt hurt, or joy. everything was saturated.
32.  First Bloggers meet.
33. Ritika and her mom's awesome cooking. Ritika's moms cooking, i'd never miss a chance to eat whatever her mom cooks. such a delight. and mouth water. i have lost count of times i have gone over her place only to eat all that her mom cooks.

2010. Life Changing decisions. The year will go down in my memory lanes as an year in which i took some life changing decisions. some turned out to be silly stupid blunders, some turned to the the best.

34. Moved to Bangalore for Masters
35. The first movie in a movie theater after many many years. i have had a long standing problem with the fluid balancing in my ears. the darkness and the voices used to upset my stability. finally i managed to get over it and the fluid levels were quite adjusted.
36. The awfully pathetic hostel food.
37. Meeting her after an year. i still remember how we planned to meet and how i was late reach. i can even recall the place where we sat down to talk.
38. Burger. i have mentioned earlier that i am not very anxious to change my food habits. 2010 was the first time i ever had a burger in life. I'd still prefer a masala dosa over any burger.
39. Passed out from college. i never wanted to study science.all i wanted to study was literature and the language. but well i screwed myself up. i had no other options left.
40. Jinju. introduced by a mutual friend of us, she became someone very special in my life. we have had our share of good fighting and losing out on contact, and staying away. i now hope to put all that away and remain in touch. you are someone who i can be with, as who i really am. even though our outlook towards our lives have changed, i am glad to still have the bonding with you.
41. Patching up with Ambili. after a cold war and not being in touch with for more than an years, i finally managed to settle this issue too. Ambili as many of my friends and closest people know, is one among the few people i really care for. i'd want to be there, on her side every time she wants, i'd want her to be the happiest person ever, and be the same little child she is to me.
42. Kavya Maam's training sessions. i have always shied away from public gatherings. i hardly get along with a huge crowd, and i can never engage in small talk. 10 days of her training, and it changed the way i behaved. i probably found the confidence to speak out and stand out.
43. College Magazine. it was a tiresome task. days on losing sleep, all the hard work, and lack of attendance.
44. Sleeping in the bus stand.
45. First Police station visit.
46. Lies lies and more lies at home.
47. Trips to Trivandrum, every 3 months, once.
48. Getting my pocket picked, getting stranded in an unknown, not so familiar city.
49. An epic journey from trivandrum to kannur in our very on KSRTC. i was glad i reached home then.
50. Gifts from Anupama Menon. she actually managed to send me a book and a load of chocolate just because i asked her to.

2008. Apparantly, i had earlier written in detail about the things that happened in 2008. a good time to reflect on them. The year was one with mixed emotions for me, it had given me enough to laugh, even more enough to lament, a lot to remember and cherish and a little so much to forget.. the year had taught me new lessons in life, it had given me a lot many of new experiences. that is what i wrote back in 2008, but i don't seem to recollect much now. how sad. i definitely have an awful memory. i seem to forget a lot from the past.

10 Other Frames.

51. Long journeys to trivandrum, almost every three months once. i was seeing this girl from trivandrum, who always wanted to spend time together, go out and have fun.
52. Shiju's engagement.
53. Lekshmi's mumbai trip and her return from mumbai to trivandrum via "Kannur". crazy day !
54. i learned that life is to be lived alone, i learned that losing hope is not the way to live. living good means hoping good and receiving what ever lifes gives as such and enjoy every moment in life..i have learned that not all relations are kept close to heart, i learned that being me is not easy, learned that being committed is not an easy job as it seems but a good feeling to be in, to have someone to care for and someone to be with is a good feeling on earth
55. Ah so glad i am moving out of Payyanur year.
56. End of School life. no more maths, no more biology. no more bunking monday classes. as a matter of fact, i never attended a single class on mondays during my class 12th. i hated biology.
57. Silly fights and alienatinb people.
58. That silly Farewell speech
59. Pallavi's never empty wallet. cant thank her enough for all the times she had lended me quick cash.
60. Chikku's IOS, think.com, Ramachandran Sir, Jyothi Maam, Rajeshwari Maam.

i will probably be trying to attempt another post on the same lines, trying to recollect some frames of my memory from the earlier school life and childhood. i am sure i wouldn't be able to count them down and arrange, i will for sure have a better picture recollected.
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Perspective

Sometimes, for the worst to become the best, it only requires a change in perspective. 
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