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Confused

the more i try to run away and hide from the memories, and the pain of the past life, the more they seem to come back to me. the more i try to escape, shamelessly, gutlessly, heartlessly try to run away from the chaos, the more i get drawn back to them. is it only me who goes through all of these? probably not. why am i so bothered?

i need to find a way out. i need to find focus. i need to find direction.

i need to find me.
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its exactly two weeks since i last met her.. that one last time. and i am sure, i was heartless, and i did hurt, but i wanted to. its true that i wanted closure, but i wanted some kind of a sadistic pleasure too. i can be adamant and stupid at times, doing things that cannot be undone and hurting people. all my life, i have hurt people, broke hearts and relationships. not that i regret a bit. there could have been something that went well, but then being me, i was never willing to make any adjustments.

i know that i have a huge list of acquaintance and a handful friends, for the jerk i am, it would be hard to remain friends with me. i hardly care. i like my space, but then occasionally i miss having people around. i miss having someone to talk to and pass a puff.. and i am trying to get rid of that habit. its exactly two weeks since i lit the last cigarette.. that day after meeting her and the desperate calls to find peace, and to get lost.. i never found both.

i have been confused a lot lately. not knowing what to do, running short of money. people say money doesn't matter, but it does. i am going mad being clueless about what to do what not to do.

Damn.
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sometimes its hard to get to a closure.. you just have to let things end. just like that. often like an unfinished poem, an untold story, a droplet of tear that failed to come out of the corner of your eyes.. sometimes, its best that there is no definite closure.. letting time to do the inevitable and the needful.. letting things go, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it.. that its the end that you have feared..
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