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I have made my New Year resolution, have you?

Mr. Quill, the name that I never understood!!!

I hit his blog on one of those boring days when we bloggers do nothing but blog hopping, and one such hop landed me in a Graveyard. Yes that’s Shravan RN's  Blog. And the usual routine began, I started scanning through his posts trying to understand his work and this got me so much involved that I started feeling as though I know Shravan from years and I badly wanted to communicate with him.  

One email which I posted to him led to so many conversations, nice chats, blog reviews and a friendship unlimited. Today sitting in some part of the world when I received an invite to make a guest post in his blog, I seriously felt like this Boy is passing on a friendly hug for all those beautiful time spent in this E-World.

And with this hug came the responsibility of making a guest post! Now that’s a big challenge for me, making a guest post in a blog which is so full of wonderful posts was really a nerve-wracking thing for me. That’s when I decided I will be just me here; of course what more can I be, when in grave isn’t it????

This time of the year when we are all welcoming a new year, All or most of us make sure to do a check on the things achieved in the year gone by and make a new checklist for the year ahead thereby make new year resolutions and again all or most of us break the resolutions and forget the checklist prepared with in no time, isn’t it?

And that’s most common thing to happen according to most of the surveys. So even after we know that we are bound to not abide by the resolutions set have we stopped making resolutions? Or should we stop making resolutions? I am no one to judge this!!! 

 And so yet again I decided to make my resolutions for 2014. I have promised myself and I have decided very strictly that I will follow these and folks if you are smiling now please don’t cause I have achieved it in 2013 and planning to continue the same resolutions this year because it takes life time to get those things right!!! So here you go with my list 

To dance in the rain,
To rejoice in the warm sun,
To let my hair loose on a windy evening,
And to gather the autumn leaves.

To make more friends,
To smile and make many smile,
To crave for success but laugh at my failures,
And to fall in love with the same person again.

To pray for someone,
To hug and love everyone,
To know more and live more with everyone,
And finally be grateful to the unseen for having given a chance to wish you all a Happy New Year.



Now do you believe me if I say I did all these in 2013? Yes, I again want to continue these in 2014, 2015 and so on. Why make a resolution and be stressed out striving to achieve it? Instead being myself and feeling that bliss of being alive sounds more exciting to me. So I have made my New Year resolution, have you?
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I pray the child gets an equally or more vibrant and colourful life as well.

I pray the child gets an equally or more vibrant and colourful life as well.

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I'm glad 2013 is almost over

Its that time of the year when many of us start to review the year that is going past. I am  glad, 2013 is almost over, and its the worst year i have ever lived so far. I'd want a miracle to happen for me to remember this year anytime again in my life; and i am quite certain that the remaining 16 days of 2013 won't bring any miracles.

This is a year that made me realize how a handful of decision i made have gone wrong, totally wrong. what has happened is that this year has pushed me to a state of being low, in every possible ways. it has so far been, an year of bad health, personal lows, and unhappiness.

2013 has been a bad year, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

i had given up making resolutions long back. i had a to do list for 2013 though, and nothing happened.

1. Travel to new places, visit Mumbai, Kolkata - i traveled to the Emirates  for some days, not quite the vacation sort.
2. Buy a new phone - doesn't seem a possibility in the near future.
3. Buy a RE Bullet - booked and then cancelled, i was broke.
4. Save Money -  a good joke.
5. Read, read and read. - all i managed to read was 5 books. just 5 books.
6. Find Happiness. - the pursuit of happiness, rather solace has led me to do things this year, not the happy sort of things though.
7. Take a vacation from work. -  ended up facing a medical situation, followed by long absence from work and still taking the medicines, recovering slowly.
8. Start paying back the loan. - one of the major worries i discuss in my head every night these days.
9. Blog, at least write more often. - doesn't seem to have got that passion back. i have lost what so ever little ability i had to imagine, and to write.
10.Socialize. - i seem to have withdrawn to myself and have alienated many people this year
11. Rectify the character flaws. yes. i am quite aware that there are a lot of shortcomings in me, not that anyone else doesn't have. there are things i need to rectify to be acceptable. not that i am  a people person and people pleaser. i would never want to be one. the problem is when you misjudged for things your did not do, and accused of things you never know about.
12. Learn to be more tolerant and forgiving. - i have developed the habit of finding fault in myself for every decision that went wrong. i have not be tolerant and forgiving on myself. I have embraced negativity to a point that any hope seems to be beyond the horizon.

As the year is nearing its end, i still have a couple of decisions to make, and i have never been this confused, directionless, and less focused. Adieu 2013.


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Why Poetry Amaze and Amuse Me ?

I have been asked, why do I attempt to write poems more, when a lot of prose can be written, when prose can convey much more than what poems do in a single read?

 I have always had, and still have a single and simple answer that each poem has a story. A story of someone’s pain, agony, love, loneliness, joy, success.

and then I have been asked why do most of my writings sound melancholic? 

The answer is quite simple again, what can you write about happiness when its best felt and absorbed? 

Pain, on the contrary needs to b shed from your head, and brain, and heart, and what more is better than poetry ?


Every poem has a story in it, every poem has a dream in it. Every poem has the poet’s heart in it.
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If it's not beautiful, its not the end



He knew he had no much time left, that his days are numbered, and moments are counted. He hardly had any regrets too. She was the only pain in his aching heart. It’s been years since they parted ways. That night, still in his memories. The words they had spoken, not out of anger, and haste, but thoughtful, and practical. She had to leave. He still remembers what he told her.

I will not ask you to come back to me. I know that you have taken this decision after a lot of thinking. And i know that you think this is the best you could do for yourself. You know i don’t deserve you; i am not that you seek.

You have been the only thing my life revolved around.. The way you smile, the way your eyes go, the way you kiss me, the way you breathe and talk to me, when you meet me, complain me, talk to me, when you hug, when you are about to go.. The million emotions that run on your face and mind... he couldn’t help but shed a tear.

He kept thinking about the way they were together... the dreams they saw, the life they wanted to live. His dreams, waking up to her in the morning, her ways of speaking to him, about them, about her wishes, her family, the way she used to wink at him, how beautifully her eyes used to shine..

He kept thinking about the number of times they had a fight, silly arguments and the apologies, the way she used to forgive him, when he apologizes… The places they wanted to travel.. that dream house on the hill top, near the river… the long drives down the slope.

The way she blushes when he compliments her, when his fingers scroll through her hair, the way she bites his fingers…

The night had fallen…

He woke up unconsciously, his life hanging by the thread, at the hospital, and there she was, at his side, to bid him farewell. He did not apologize, she didn’t want him to. She held his hands in hers, kissed him one last time...
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Confused

the more i try to run away and hide from the memories, and the pain of the past life, the more they seem to come back to me. the more i try to escape, shamelessly, gutlessly, heartlessly try to run away from the chaos, the more i get drawn back to them. is it only me who goes through all of these? probably not. why am i so bothered?

i need to find a way out. i need to find focus. i need to find direction.

i need to find me.
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its exactly two weeks since i last met her.. that one last time. and i am sure, i was heartless, and i did hurt, but i wanted to. its true that i wanted closure, but i wanted some kind of a sadistic pleasure too. i can be adamant and stupid at times, doing things that cannot be undone and hurting people. all my life, i have hurt people, broke hearts and relationships. not that i regret a bit. there could have been something that went well, but then being me, i was never willing to make any adjustments.

i know that i have a huge list of acquaintance and a handful friends, for the jerk i am, it would be hard to remain friends with me. i hardly care. i like my space, but then occasionally i miss having people around. i miss having someone to talk to and pass a puff.. and i am trying to get rid of that habit. its exactly two weeks since i lit the last cigarette.. that day after meeting her and the desperate calls to find peace, and to get lost.. i never found both.

i have been confused a lot lately. not knowing what to do, running short of money. people say money doesn't matter, but it does. i am going mad being clueless about what to do what not to do.

Damn.
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sometimes its hard to get to a closure.. you just have to let things end. just like that. often like an unfinished poem, an untold story, a droplet of tear that failed to come out of the corner of your eyes.. sometimes, its best that there is no definite closure.. letting time to do the inevitable and the needful.. letting things go, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it.. that its the end that you have feared..
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നഗരം



നഗരത്തിനു വല്ലാത്ത ഒരു  വേഗമുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ഇന്നു കാണുന്നതൊന്നും പിന്നീട് ഒരിക്കലും  കണ്ടില്ലെന്നു വരുന്ന അത്രയും വേഗം. അവളുടെ നഗ്ന ശരീരത്തില്വിരലുകള്ഓടിക്കുകയായിരുന്നു അവന്‍. അവള്പാതി മയക്കത്തിലും, ഇന്നലെകളുടെ പേടിപ്പെടുത്തുന്ന ഓര്മകളില്ലാത്ത, നാളേയുടെ ആവലതികളില്ലാത്ത, ഇന്നിന്റെ സ്വപ്നകള്കണ്ടുള്ള മയക്കം. നേരം പുലരും മുന്നേ, ഇരുട്ടിന്റെ ആഴങ്ങളിലേക്ക് അവന്നടന്നകന്നു.. കിടക്കയില്‍വീണുകിടന്ന ചുളിഞ്ഞു-മുഷിഞ്ഞ്അഴുക്ക് പുരണ്ട്  നോട്ടുകള്പെറുക്കിയെടുത്ത്അവളും നഗരത്തിന്റെ വേഗതയിലലിഞ്ഞു.
3

College, Placements, and Life After.



No. the college did NOT place me.

Alright. I passed out in July, joined for work in November. I waited for 3 months; I actually spend that 3 months home, eating, and sleeping and of course getting some medical attention which was long due, nothing serious though.

Okay, so, I was called to attend an interview in October, which I indeed did, and oh, and before that, I attended yet another funny interview, where the people wanted me to write a blog about their firm to be considered for further discussion. I judged. How on earth do you expect me to say yes to that? My blog being a personal entity and as an individual I would highly disregard such a move from any firm and rate them as pathetic and below.

So I attend this interview and then go back home and get my DOJ a month later, I happily pack my luggage and come back to Bangalore, and join for work, and then the usual thing happened. Company accommodation for 2 weeks, I failed to find an appropriate place for me, for a month, put up with a friend all that while, and then moved to a place which I found for myself.

Ah, I was supposed to justify what I started with I guess, no, the college, did not place me. We had this college placement cell and all drama happening, no intentions to ditch them and curse them, they do their job. They had taken our well copied from each other resumes, made a data sheet and constantly send out emails about offers and call center, read along type, jobs and stuffs. 

Soon after a month passed and I was done with my trainings and getting aligned to my work and all as how it happens for any fresher- straight out of college student, I get an update from a friend that my 4th semester mark list have come in the college and I need to go collect it. And yes, at the same time did I get mail from the HR wing of the office asking me to submit copies of end sem mark list or provisional degree certificate or any other proof of my MBA degree.

So one fine morning I decided to ping my RM and say, sir, I will be a couple of hours  late to office tomorrow, I need to go to college and collect my end sem mark lists and then submit to the HR dept. here and he agrees. And wait, before that, I got yet another update from another classmate of mine saying that I, as in, we, the entire batch need to submit a copy of our offer letter to the MBA dept. of my college to get the permission letter to collect my mark list. My very funny friend, even asked me a question, bro what to do if we are not placed yet or are getting married in some time and don’t have any offer letter in hand? I said, well, dude, I don’t know. Let’s see.

The next morning, I wake up and take a shower and get ready and put on a decent cloth, a smile, which I normally don’t wear, and step out of the home to go to college. Oh, I have taken a copy of my offer letter in my hand, just for the need and surety.  So I straight away walk to the admin office and ask, the lady, let’s say ma’am, as we are supposed to call to get our work done, can I get my end semester mark list please and hand over my college id to her and then she asks, where is the permission letter from Director? I had expected this to happen and I lied, what letter ma’am? I don’t have any letter; I have passed out in July. She calmly explained to me that I need to meet the Director of my dept. and get his approval letter.
So I went up to him and he wanted a copy of the offer letter to sign my letter, which I didn’t have, and then I took up a paper from the printer kept at his desk wrote a letter and handed over him to sign and he wanted color copies, and I, I for once felt like saying the sacred two letter word, but my experience had taught me to stay silent and calm. 

I finished my formalities and collected my mark list and submitted to the office where I work, a copy of it and kept the original safe. Oh, I still need to justify my opening statement. Yes, the college did not place me. I was not in the list of students who was enrolled to the placement division. In fact, I was, but the history between me and the director who was all nice and sweet to me just before, wasn’t as sweet as that, and I had opted out of placements and thrown up my letter on his face right when the placement activities were being started.

No, the college did not place me, and I do not know why would any college or department ask for a student’s / ex-student’s offer letter, which is supposed to be kept confidential, when they haven’t done a thing to get him placed? 

I studied there? Spare me the excuse, I paid lakhs to study there, and it was my choice, they didn’t do a fig. 
I am forced to reach only a conclusion, even though, later, one of my friend was given an explanation by the same old director that they are rebuilding the alumni association for the dept. and that accounts why the offer letters are being collected, but I am a member of a couple of alumni associations, and all they collected was my name, permanent address and phone numbers, now that I am employed, I can understand if details about my organization and position are asked, but not the offer letter. So, 

I am forced to conclude this way, that if the department, the personnel, specifically, want to boast of students being placed all around, and all good profile jobs, and take credit of all those, well, the college did NOT place me. He did not place me.  I had thrown my letter of not wanting to be considered for placements right on his face and I hope, he still has it in his files, so that he could refer and spare me when he talks of the placements he has done for my batch.

No personal disrespect intended. If you find hatred for individuals being portrayed, consider themselves deserving.
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His Dreams

He weaved a world of vibrancy and ecstasy in her imagination, fascinated her heart by telling about his dreams, of his passions, a life filled with colors, lights and happiness. She couldn’t hesitate to push him off the edge into the darkest depths of pain, hurt and hatred. She lived his dream all by herself.
6

Making Peace With The Past

its been days, months, an year almost
since we parted our ways
my words have lost the voice
to reach your ears and ring
your eyes have lost the sight
to see me struggle alone

and today, today i could smile
for i made peace, with my past
not to try and stretch my pain
in vain, to get over you, your thoughts
but to accept that its over and
to cherish the memories for longer.
Penned to Life by Shravan. Powered by Blogger.
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