5

Moving On Is A Choice

I have been asked quite a number of times the reason why most of my write ups, attempts of poems contain so much of negativity, pain, hatred, hurt, solitude and melancholy. I have always had one answer to it, I find it easier to pen down pain that to write even a word about happiness, and whatever I write about pain, aren't the things that I endure in life. I pick figments from my life, sometimes images, sometimes imagination, and then I write, and at times I exaggerate. I use my creative freedom there. I go by this thought that I read somewhere long time back, "it's so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scars to show for happiness".

So for the past couple of months, or even beyond, I have been going on writing a series of depressing posts, picked from my own life and honestly I am tired of it. There is a time period for everything. If things aren't meant to work out, they won’t work out, how much harder we try. Especially in the case of relationships, it’s a mutual thing, and if it’s just you, one person going all the way down to stop things which are bound to happen from happening, how long can you go on? I have reached my saturation point.

I haven’t quite lived a life of my own for the last five years, the decisions have all been mine, yet the outcomes, not as expected, not as I dreamed. I have lived a life of complex insecurities, hidden emotions and unexpressed feelings. I have lived a life of detachment. When I am quite proud of what I have attained or achieved in my life, the ability to remain detached to anything, anyone and not to be swept off by joy or to be drained my sadness, I have been living with a fear. The fear of being alone. I am of the sort who enjoys the solitude in a moment, and feels depressed about it the next moment. It doesn’t mean I cry about being left alone. Most of the times, I have chosen to be alone, and some other times, I hardly had any choices. I was left out to be alone.

I do feel sad or I do regret for not having made many friends, for having lived a life of my own, in a world build of my complexes, and weird self. Haven’t I been approachable and trust worthy? I don’t know. I have always been true to myself, and made it a point that I never lie to people. I have always kept a safe distance from people, living in a closed environment. What have I gained from that? Internal peace?  My foot. I was insecure. I was worried of a day when people would leave, when places would turn unfamiliar and when voices would go unrecognized. I was creating an environment or an ecosystem for my stable existence. Why? Because I was afraid and unsure of my own life.

I was hurt once, and ever since that, I wasn’t willing to risk anything. I was conscious of being that one person who can handle his emotions and feelings pretty well and reach a stable state. I was conscious of being able to bear the pain of turning from everything to nothing in persons’ life. Trust me, it hurts to be everything for one person for a long time, and one fine morning, you are nothing, you don’t mean anything for them. You see someone daily, you speak to them daily, and one fine day, they die, and you are left in pain, in sorrow, and I wanted to get over such saddening, depressing feelings, and I have quite managed to reach that goal. Yes, I can live in detachment, and it doesn’t mean it’s all fun. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, or I don’t feel anything, or I am numb to emotions, or I don’t have a heart.

I have had my trust broken by people, and my heart played. I have had my faith shattered by people who I held close, and then I had to decide if to play the same clown role or to evolve, and I chose the second option. To evolve. I have striven hard to reach a place where I had my emotions checked, and when I gain such neutrality, stability, to hold on to my own self and keep a space, a safe distance from everything. While doing so, I have quite managed not to fake anything when I am with people. I be with people, I be myself with them, yet I manage to stay detached. Doing that, trust me, isn’t an easy job. At times people seek an explanation, or people judge you, and you got to have an answer when you need to say, and for me, I have been lucky enough to have the right answers given. It varies according to situations, but thankfully, I have had my points put well.

Moving on is a choice, it’s been in the back of my mind, and trust me I have always wanted to. But then, sometimes in life, we come across a point where we know that we have got to make a decision and take a stand, yet we procrastinate doing it for it might hurt us, our sentiments, feeling and emotions, and then we struggle with it, and finally get the bloody damn courage to make the decision. Once we pick up that darned courage, things tend to change and they truly change.

I am used to being in a relationship, my world has been built around you, you have been my priority, preference, the first thing I ever think about every time I have to decide, make a choice. It’s done it’s over, you are a memory now. The things we have done together, the places we have been together, the bond we have shared and enjoyed and privileged much, it’s over, its time I understand it. I can’t force anyone to change what they have decided, especially when I am able to put on your shoes and think from your brain and see through your eyes, how can I deny you for your choices, your decisions? What better can I do than accept that things are changing and go with the flow, and cherish the good old memories?

I may be forced to talk about guts, my life, your life, speaking up, gaining voice, rejection, and let’s cut it out, it’s not worth it any more. It would be better if things are let to be like as its now. 

When I say to people who I meet that I am one guy who is detached from many things, who is stable, they wonder and say, wow, that’s cool. But trust me, deep down it hurts. It hurts to stop my own heart from getting closer to people, letting my brain, my conscious to act when the heart is supposed to play.

It doesn’t quite feel good when I feel sad, sorry, upset, down, lost, worried, pain and I don’t have anyone who would understand. It doesn’t feel alright when people can’t understand that I have a life too. It doesn’t feel alright not having some to run on to when I feel left out. It doesn’t feel alright not having a bunch of people with who you can go out, speak, who knows you inside out, who would stand by you. I know I have distanced myself to get all these, but then again, the greater joy of detachment is when I know I can handle this and I can live through this !

Moving on is a choice, I have taken that choice for now. 

5 Shared Thoughts:

Rakesh Vanamali said...

I know fully well how this feels my friend.....

May the coming times bring you happiness everlasting!

Ramya said...

Moving on is a choice, I have taken that choice for now.


:) Right Thats it :D
All the best :D a new beautiful phase of waiting ahead to welcome you :D Smile and start that first step

Shravan RN said...

:) i hope so too Rakesh.

Shravan RN said...

:)

Tanishka Shiju said...

Good one ...

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