4

Apologies

How do i put into words
The weight my heart bears
How do i ever be content
Of apologizing enough, wordless.
Only if the silence between us
Echoed of my pain to your ears
Of the things i couldn't change
and of words i failed to express!
10

The Things That I Would Miss

I had earlier written about how glad I am that college is getting over and I no more have to put up with things which I don't like, which I couldn't accept or digest and with people who proved spineless and gay and biased to me.

Having said that, the last day in college, precisely the last day of exam, it changed things for me, a new insight. I watched people waving hands and walking away, alone, in couplets, in a groups, some standing side by the lane and talking and there was me, walking down the usual path, leaving some friends to talk three steps in advance.

Reaching back to my room, 506, I started to feel alone, the floor has become almost emptied, the guy 2 doors next, my batch mate wouldn't even know that I stay here just because my roommate left and he no more needs drinking water. I cannot complain, it's a mutual thing. I also don't acknowledge his presence there. after all I have learned to appreciate what I get and return exactly the same amount of what I get.

Honestly, when I step out of this place, unlike what I mentioned in the previous update, I am going to miss a certain of lot of things, some people, some moments, some places, some spaces and that would make quite a difference in my life. starting from my room, room no 506, and to the handful of trustworthy and caring friends I have made, and to the people who could never ever tolerate me, there is a lot to be missed.
room no 506, the bed, the table the cupboard, the regular walk to the mess, the faces that you greet and those that greats you, the daily schedule that I have got used to, quite a lot it is. apart from that, the walk from hostel to the class and the lazy walk back from the college, through the canteen, the parathawala to the room. the schedule of sleeping late, fighting with her on calls, gaming and movies, and all the passive smoking and walking up exactly an hour before class and running to class.

There are places and moments that I am going to miss too. I wouldn't miss much of the class room experience, it wasn't something enlightening always and worth remembering, but the stairways, the conversations in the pathway, and the canteen where quotes read maintain silence and do now while away your time here, and the parking lot there are people who have had more fun than me and more attachment to places than me, but these smaller places have been where I existed.

There are people too. I have been very careful not to be attached with anyone in particular and keep my relationships a closed affair most of the times, and this, when I step out all I have to remember are a maximum of twenty to thirty names as friends, and out of that too, I am not going to miss many. but there are indeed some who I would miss. I have found a sister, a daughter and a teacher for myself in here. I wouldn't miss the sister much, but the daughter and all her stupidities would be missed. and if I am not lying, and being true, I would miss the teacher most of all. it's only a little time that I have known the teacher and so much has already happened in so less time. know this teacher, you would be badly missed. the lessons you thought me are of much more worth than the entire degree I am about to get in some months time in my hand.. there has been hardly anyone who had understood almost everything about me in such less time too.

I have been weighing my options all these days after my exams and yet to reach a conclusion. I have on one side, a ego state which is not willing to compromise on anything and on another side the practical aspect of life and the choices this place could lead me to. the day I win over these clashes, I would make a decision that might probably decide the future course and direction of my life. but like I said once, in the fight between ego and emotions and practicalities, ego wins every time. it doesn't even give a chance to fight for anything else, and it's high time I start to mend my ego, precisely the child ego and learn to let go of such things and be practical.

What right now I am going through is what Shomoita would call the quarter life crisis, you are an adult and yet you enjoy the cartoon, you take your decisions and yet seek for back up, you are in need of money, you are shameful to ask at home, you need a job, and you don't have one. truly, life is worth living. there is miles to go and milestones to set.
5

Questions

Why is it that you have to look away and pretend, not to care, when i can, from far, read your eyes and see how much you care?

Why is it that today we all are trying to be who we were not yesterrday?

Why is it that we live a life of apologies, regrets and pain?

Why is it that we live at all, when all we can do is to preten and walk away from people, things and places?

Why is it that we fail to realise, running away and hiding away are not for too long?

One day the world we build of lies shall fall on our head and knock us out of life.
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