Death Wish

meek, mild and tender your eyes
rolling down through your cheeks
words that once failed to gain voice
drained of emotions i stood watching
contemplating if to gift you false hopes
of a life, togetherness and a better tomorrow
not knowing if to wipe away your tears or
to walk away from you, forever
knowning that i wouldnt last for long
moments when i wish to be blessed
if i could stay a little longer
only if time is a luxury i could afford

Glad, It's All Getting Over !

Disclaimer :
This very post is not meant to belittle or insult any individual, or group of individuals or an institution as a whole. It's the outpourings of the author's creative freedom and mind and about how his life has turned out to be in two years with reference to his academic life.

Glad, it’s all getting over. Two years of agony and frustration is all coming to an end.  Can’t wait to run out the four walls of pathetic existence. Let’s face it. Not everyone enjoys the greatest of college life and fun, and I truly haven’t had any, except for some good friends I made, and some memories worth keeping. Honestly, I am not going remember many of my batch mates even. Let me be frank. I wouldn’t even recollect some names, let alone be some faces. There is nothing much to be upset about it. It’s the same for everyone and the only difference being, I would openly admit it any time, with anyone, and many others won’t. Sadly, I haven’t quite learned to fake my emotions or to hide them. I have quite learned to keep them in control though, for totally different matters. 

I still remember how I convinced my parents to let me move to Bengaluru. They were never on for that idea. And to add more to it, when you already have a rank for in a national level entrance examination and your shot is waiting at it, and all of a sudden you come up and say, mom I don’t want to do it, I want to do MBA and I want to do it from Bengaluru, for some cooked up stories. How on earth does anyone expect me to say there is a girl at there, who I would want to meet more often and grow older with?

One fine day, I set my foot in this place, the garden city only to visit the college and fix my admission procedures and soon after a week my classes started. I remember meeting MS; let’s forget names for now, abbreviations help me to be more open. MS is the first person to have met and who became my batch mate and classmate till I passed out, followed by JB, SK, SB and many more... 

Forgetting about the people I met for now, that would take another post to completely mention, each and everyone involved... I never had that belongingness own-ness feeling inside this college. Honestly, I never felt mine. My previous college has been much better. I have had worst classmates there, who taught me the first lessons in the art of backstabbing and lying at face, but that institution has always given me that “apna” feeling, that belongingness and I have given my heart out to everything I did there. I have pretty much lived there. I have stayed in the campus, slept inside the class room, on the benches and desks, walked around the places and known people and known to people. Even now, I wouldn’t miss a chance to run into there and walk around. It wasn’t a campus spread into acres of land and a handful of departments; it’s been one of the smallest and newest, but truly a happy place.
What have I learned from this new place? Trust me, I have learned more than what I paid for. I wish if I could say I learned to play the drama of life. Man, it would be better to give me a certificate in acting and drama, in pleasing people, in getting things done, and later conveniently forgetting them. Ah. I have seen people play politics and give me on-site, live experience of a life time, a truly inspired from life situation, how I will have to live my life here after.

Day one to till this moment, I have been myself, inside and outside the institution. I have had problems with people, I still have them, and I may forever have them, I have had my share of finding people worth remembering and who took me as I am, bore with all my ego and attitude. Trust, me I am an egoist. That would probably be the only thing that I won’t let anyone hurt. I hardly compromise on being myself and boy, what has that left me with? A handful of people who truly and heart-fully and undoubtedly know me, and understand me and a world full of people who dislike, who bear that uncomfortable and unbearable feeling towards me. And I don’t care.

All my life I have lived it in my terms, I have used swear words, I have sweared and called names and I find the word fuck such a cliché. To think, honestly, if you had such a problem with the word, you better question the donors of your x and y chromosomes. If at all they didn’t fuck, woah, you would have never been born. 

People talk of discipline to me, as if they have been disciplined enough in life. People who leak out things even before they turn official, people who pick sides being on the hierarchically top level, and people who don’t have self respect, people who use all the B****** word and still speak of discipline. My foot. My big left foot. I have always given the deserving respect to everyone, be it the beggar who knocks my door on Tuesday mornings or be it anyone else on the higher strata of hierarchy. 

Beating around the bush, let’s get back to college. 2 years, 4 semesters, 21 months. It’s been a lengthy period, and time truly has flown.  The first semester has been the only semester that had snail pace, and then the rest 3 semesters, ah; I never knew how it went. But then, I have been anticipating about the day I have to step out of the institute, I have counted days. I have had my share of being depressed, frustrated, treated bad, backstabbed, taken advantage of.

Good things also have happened, but then when you weigh your options, the bad just overpowers the goods and makes it a bad past to remember. I shouldn’t forget the ones I made friends with, the ones who would probably stay for a life time, the one who understood me, and the ones who I really mattered for.  Second semester will only be that one semester where I felt, yes I am in a college and doing my studies, in a literal way. The way things changed from first semester to second semester was that great. If in first semester my only responsibility was to be the CR which I truly loved and enjoyed, things changed for me in second semester. 

I might have attended hardly 10 hrs of lecture for every subject, yet be present in the college, in the department for most of the days. Every morning I would walk into my class room only to find myself being called to HODs cabin and start working on something else. Volunteering for the international conference, and doing almost a majority of the back end works of it along with HOD, was fun. And then there was this clubs and club activities which is in a forgotten, rather dead state now. Starting from the point where the entire idea of clubs evolved and took a physical form, it’s been on my head, and I have loved doing every single bit of work for it. Be it the writing of captions, making the brochures, designing the logos and even the t-shirts.  That would be the only one instance that made me feel like I am in a college! 

The next two semesters, third and fourth, its been frustrating all way long! All the way long. My frustrations and anger had reached the pinnacle by the time my classes were about to end and it had come up in the way I started handling things. In the last 3 months, I  have got it all messed up. The fact being, once you start developing a kind of hatred and dislike for something, how much ever other good things exist, you would only relate to your negative emotions and when you have reached the pinnacle of your patience and controlling, the anger and all the negativity just comes out in all possible ways, whether you like it or not !

I have had the best of faculties too, and not to mention, not everyone can be an efficient teacher, lets ignore the short comings of the ones I would forget, conveniently again. There have been a couple of people who gained immense respect from me, who kept their faith in me and which I merely broke. There have been people who I would stab to death as well. And then there have been people, who entered my personal life as well, and not to forget the ones who I once had at most respect and then in a day who made me regret it all. Spits it out! Duh.

I would probably be the only student who was lucky enough to study under 6 HODs in 5 years and that too 3 HODS in 3 different semesters in a single institute. And doesn’t the second statement say a lot about how things were, than I going on cribbing about it? Ah. I would want to go on and on, probably I will find time once my exams get over.

Two years of my life, I have spend inside and outside this institution, I don’t regret for it, it’s become a part of my life, I would probably avoid remembering about it much. It was my decision to join this institution and it has given me everything it could. The college has made me qualify as a degree holder, and I am proud of it, I can’t belittle the organization’s contribution towards my growth and can’t forget it, even if I would want to.
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