0

a year that went by

the usual habit of sitting down and thinking about the year that went by and the good and the bad that happened and the things i wish i havent done, well, no, there arent such thoughts running in my mind today.

i have given up the habit of making resolutions a couple of years ago, and ever since that, i have been trying to learn to put into practice, the art of not being over joyous in success and not being broken down at failures, and i quite know its a demanding task, and one moment at at a time, i am inching closer to it. this year that went by, it was quite good for me, except some mild set back and emotional turmoils, its been a productive year. i am done with my education for now, i have landed on a job, my granny passed away, i have almost sent my dreams to the graveyard, i am in pursuit of happiness again, hopefully better dreams to see, and then, i have earned back quite a no of old friends, and managed not to miss many from the present ones.

though the reflections from the blog entries might contract, i have had a pretty peaceful year in 2012, and i hope, the coming year also brings as much of happy news and succuess it can, and challenges worth tackling. i am glad to have been alive for this long, and to hardly have any regrets and i hope, one day, i when i die, i be remembered for all good things, if any, i have done.
2

Stories From My Life

Staying stuck at her was his initial choice, but not anymore. Why care for someone who is all on their own and who'd never be back again, he asked himself pouring down yet another drink to happiness. #StoriesFromMyLife.

Her Life

He could neither face her nor look into her eyes as they settled down in the coffee pub. It has been days since they met last time and so much have already changed for them. He thought her eyes would have lost the sparkle; her voice has already started to break down. He knew she was going to move away from him. For once he looked up and her smile had already vanished.
He gained the courage to look up to her eyes and to his shock it was all glowing, for the new found freedom and life. She could only fake her words and the smile, but not the shine in her eyes. It was expressive of how relieved she is. She hopped from his life like how a butterfly hops for nectar, from one flower to the other.

Stories From My Life


She never wanted to see him alone. She left him in the crowd and walked away, never looking back, shedding all her past with him, there. he stood there wondering how hollow can some words be? how much naked can some words be? how much a lie can some words be ? together forever, seemed delusive for him. he walked off, carrying the burden, and all the pain, and lived the life of a loner, loving his solitude, talking to the shadows, often fighting with imaginary friend from the north.
5

Moving On Is A Choice

I have been asked quite a number of times the reason why most of my write ups, attempts of poems contain so much of negativity, pain, hatred, hurt, solitude and melancholy. I have always had one answer to it, I find it easier to pen down pain that to write even a word about happiness, and whatever I write about pain, aren't the things that I endure in life. I pick figments from my life, sometimes images, sometimes imagination, and then I write, and at times I exaggerate. I use my creative freedom there. I go by this thought that I read somewhere long time back, "it's so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scars to show for happiness".

So for the past couple of months, or even beyond, I have been going on writing a series of depressing posts, picked from my own life and honestly I am tired of it. There is a time period for everything. If things aren't meant to work out, they won’t work out, how much harder we try. Especially in the case of relationships, it’s a mutual thing, and if it’s just you, one person going all the way down to stop things which are bound to happen from happening, how long can you go on? I have reached my saturation point.

I haven’t quite lived a life of my own for the last five years, the decisions have all been mine, yet the outcomes, not as expected, not as I dreamed. I have lived a life of complex insecurities, hidden emotions and unexpressed feelings. I have lived a life of detachment. When I am quite proud of what I have attained or achieved in my life, the ability to remain detached to anything, anyone and not to be swept off by joy or to be drained my sadness, I have been living with a fear. The fear of being alone. I am of the sort who enjoys the solitude in a moment, and feels depressed about it the next moment. It doesn’t mean I cry about being left alone. Most of the times, I have chosen to be alone, and some other times, I hardly had any choices. I was left out to be alone.

I do feel sad or I do regret for not having made many friends, for having lived a life of my own, in a world build of my complexes, and weird self. Haven’t I been approachable and trust worthy? I don’t know. I have always been true to myself, and made it a point that I never lie to people. I have always kept a safe distance from people, living in a closed environment. What have I gained from that? Internal peace?  My foot. I was insecure. I was worried of a day when people would leave, when places would turn unfamiliar and when voices would go unrecognized. I was creating an environment or an ecosystem for my stable existence. Why? Because I was afraid and unsure of my own life.

I was hurt once, and ever since that, I wasn’t willing to risk anything. I was conscious of being that one person who can handle his emotions and feelings pretty well and reach a stable state. I was conscious of being able to bear the pain of turning from everything to nothing in persons’ life. Trust me, it hurts to be everything for one person for a long time, and one fine morning, you are nothing, you don’t mean anything for them. You see someone daily, you speak to them daily, and one fine day, they die, and you are left in pain, in sorrow, and I wanted to get over such saddening, depressing feelings, and I have quite managed to reach that goal. Yes, I can live in detachment, and it doesn’t mean it’s all fun. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, or I don’t feel anything, or I am numb to emotions, or I don’t have a heart.

I have had my trust broken by people, and my heart played. I have had my faith shattered by people who I held close, and then I had to decide if to play the same clown role or to evolve, and I chose the second option. To evolve. I have striven hard to reach a place where I had my emotions checked, and when I gain such neutrality, stability, to hold on to my own self and keep a space, a safe distance from everything. While doing so, I have quite managed not to fake anything when I am with people. I be with people, I be myself with them, yet I manage to stay detached. Doing that, trust me, isn’t an easy job. At times people seek an explanation, or people judge you, and you got to have an answer when you need to say, and for me, I have been lucky enough to have the right answers given. It varies according to situations, but thankfully, I have had my points put well.

Moving on is a choice, it’s been in the back of my mind, and trust me I have always wanted to. But then, sometimes in life, we come across a point where we know that we have got to make a decision and take a stand, yet we procrastinate doing it for it might hurt us, our sentiments, feeling and emotions, and then we struggle with it, and finally get the bloody damn courage to make the decision. Once we pick up that darned courage, things tend to change and they truly change.

I am used to being in a relationship, my world has been built around you, you have been my priority, preference, the first thing I ever think about every time I have to decide, make a choice. It’s done it’s over, you are a memory now. The things we have done together, the places we have been together, the bond we have shared and enjoyed and privileged much, it’s over, its time I understand it. I can’t force anyone to change what they have decided, especially when I am able to put on your shoes and think from your brain and see through your eyes, how can I deny you for your choices, your decisions? What better can I do than accept that things are changing and go with the flow, and cherish the good old memories?

I may be forced to talk about guts, my life, your life, speaking up, gaining voice, rejection, and let’s cut it out, it’s not worth it any more. It would be better if things are let to be like as its now. 

When I say to people who I meet that I am one guy who is detached from many things, who is stable, they wonder and say, wow, that’s cool. But trust me, deep down it hurts. It hurts to stop my own heart from getting closer to people, letting my brain, my conscious to act when the heart is supposed to play.

It doesn’t quite feel good when I feel sad, sorry, upset, down, lost, worried, pain and I don’t have anyone who would understand. It doesn’t feel alright when people can’t understand that I have a life too. It doesn’t feel alright not having some to run on to when I feel left out. It doesn’t feel alright not having a bunch of people with who you can go out, speak, who knows you inside out, who would stand by you. I know I have distanced myself to get all these, but then again, the greater joy of detachment is when I know I can handle this and I can live through this !

Moving on is a choice, I have taken that choice for now. 
14

The Things I Lost With You



Words I utter have lost their meaning
I fail to put my heart out and write
Cries I scream have gone unheard
I have lost the voice to reach you
You have turned insensitive
You have become someone who I never knew
The things I lost with you, that day
Peace, happiness and my life.

A stranger so familiar you have become
Crossing my mind every moment I breathe
I have turned psychic in your absence
Every night becomes of torture
To put me into rest, I struggle
Weed, drug and what not have I tried
Your thoughts come back rushing
Every time I try to forget

Now if I tell you what you mean to me
You’d mockingly laugh and walk away
You’d ask, why are you bothered?
Am I not your past? And smile again
The things I lost with you, that day
I have lost count of them
I try to forget those things, in vain
Memories are a curse, sometimes in life

I have known someone so tender
In my past, and i am still there
Stuck, wondering, where to run
I have lost my face, and my faith
I have lost my way too.
The things I tell you from my heart
Laughed off by you, and the indifference
You bring to my life these days

I would want to hate you and
I would want to stop caring for you
Walk away from your thoughts
And I search for hatred in me
Only to find all my emotions gone
The things I lost with you, that day
My senses, emotions and ability to feel
I have become so numb, so lost.

The things I lost with you, that day

Far too many to recollect and remember
I know this, I have lost myself totally
In that glow and depth of your eyes
I can only look into myself and realize
I have lost myself into your thoughts
Of all the things I lost with you, that day
I wish if my soul comes back to me, from you.

Wishes that i wish, come true.

I thought I was joking the first time I said
That your eyes tell me a story, or hide one
There was a glow that pulled me closer
Every time I looked into, like magnet
How I wish, I could spend my time
Every moment of it, looking
Into your eyes, reading the stories
You’d not even know existed
Telling you the stories that your eyes confined
And seeing them glow even better
Spreading joy, all around
How I wish to look deep into your eyes
And then close my eyes looking into yours
Forever, and forever.
6

The Need To Reinvent Oneself

I have been facing serious problems with the way I write. I have quite lost my way with words and my ability to create some new. I have lost the ability to think fresh and the things I write have been very much circled around one single plot, pain. It’s not that writing about pain is bad, but I guess I have reached my saturation point of writing about it. It has started to bore me down, like many other who find their time to come and read whatever I pen down.

Over the years, it’s natural that one gains a better perspective about the way he wants to write and tries to improve up on them. I have quite failed in that. The fact is I have never tried to improve anything. I never wanted to and then to add to that, my vision has been blurred. I have lost my focus.

There used to be days when I could sit and write on anything, and there used to be days when I would read a lot and write less, what has happened now is I have reduced reading, I have reduced writing even. I can hardly write something more than a hundred words now. I am blinded because of my own inability to think and break the barriers that have come in my way. I have fallen into the trap of not reinventing my passion for something that I love about, something that is a part of me, part of my life.

My blog like its title says has been the place where my thoughts come to rest, when I put them to sleep, but gone are the days when I really did that. Of late, I haven’t been bother about this. I have been in a world of my own, where I was not confident enough to write again. I didn’t know what to write next. The ways I think and imagine have been lost. All I have right now is a clutter in my head, of confusions and chaos and insecurities

Why do I need to reinvent myself? Because I lack the vision of what I want to be, what my life is all about. What am I supposed to do with life, what is my next move? Without the very vision of what I want from my life, how could I even live, that being said, do I live now? No. I don’t. I just exist. I breathe and I exist. I don’t do anything about my life. I have lost the focus.

Reinvent yourself. Go back to your basics, set the goals right and move on, without reinventing yourself, your idea, thoughts, imagination and creativity, your uniqueness everything becomes obsolete and what that does to you? It takes you to the depth of frustrations and depressions. That takes you to a different anger level, something which you can’t control; ultimately it ruins your internal peace. And why is internal peace required? It leads to focus. It is the key to life. Know yourself, know what you want better. Reinvent yourself every while you can, because you are the only you who exist and you can’t afford to lose.

Reinvent yourself, because you are worth it; because you will find yourself to be more happy, and content and focused and since you are focused, you will feel “this is what I want” in life; because you will not be bored of your monotonous life, you’d rather find it interesting, with may be more and new or less and or old people in it; Because you end your depression; Because the vision of what you want from your life will be much clear and working for.
2

Finding Solace

I sat and drank. I drank till I passed out, to forget all those good days, and then, memories are such a pain, that they come back hurting even more when you want to forget them. I had found my solace in the darkness that encircled me. The loneliness your absence created in my world
2

Wait

She said she would be back soon. He waited. Seconds became minutes, minutes to hours and to days and years. He waited and waited for long, long enough that years passed away and she became a memory, no longer alive. He would have waited for more, but little did he have time. end had come.
4

When It's Time To Die

an attempt to translate Rafeeque Ahamed's "Maranamethunna Nerathu"

I wish if you could sit by my side
When it’s time for me to die
For my worn hands could finally
Rest caressing you for once
For my last breath could contain
The aroma of you lingering in it
For my eyes that would never again
Be open, to capture your face
For your voice to be the last melody
To fall into my ears when I rest
For my memories to stay alight in you
Even when I get vanished of the earth
For all your pain be healed soon
By the prayer words you utter
For my feet to feel cold, in memory
Of the ways I walked into you
That would be the only necessity
For me, to reincarnate into life.

(PS: very first attempt on translating something from malayalam to english.)
4

Apologies

How do i put into words
The weight my heart bears
How do i ever be content
Of apologizing enough, wordless.
Only if the silence between us
Echoed of my pain to your ears
Of the things i couldn't change
and of words i failed to express!
10

The Things That I Would Miss

I had earlier written about how glad I am that college is getting over and I no more have to put up with things which I don't like, which I couldn't accept or digest and with people who proved spineless and gay and biased to me.

Having said that, the last day in college, precisely the last day of exam, it changed things for me, a new insight. I watched people waving hands and walking away, alone, in couplets, in a groups, some standing side by the lane and talking and there was me, walking down the usual path, leaving some friends to talk three steps in advance.

Reaching back to my room, 506, I started to feel alone, the floor has become almost emptied, the guy 2 doors next, my batch mate wouldn't even know that I stay here just because my roommate left and he no more needs drinking water. I cannot complain, it's a mutual thing. I also don't acknowledge his presence there. after all I have learned to appreciate what I get and return exactly the same amount of what I get.

Honestly, when I step out of this place, unlike what I mentioned in the previous update, I am going to miss a certain of lot of things, some people, some moments, some places, some spaces and that would make quite a difference in my life. starting from my room, room no 506, and to the handful of trustworthy and caring friends I have made, and to the people who could never ever tolerate me, there is a lot to be missed.
room no 506, the bed, the table the cupboard, the regular walk to the mess, the faces that you greet and those that greats you, the daily schedule that I have got used to, quite a lot it is. apart from that, the walk from hostel to the class and the lazy walk back from the college, through the canteen, the parathawala to the room. the schedule of sleeping late, fighting with her on calls, gaming and movies, and all the passive smoking and walking up exactly an hour before class and running to class.

There are places and moments that I am going to miss too. I wouldn't miss much of the class room experience, it wasn't something enlightening always and worth remembering, but the stairways, the conversations in the pathway, and the canteen where quotes read maintain silence and do now while away your time here, and the parking lot there are people who have had more fun than me and more attachment to places than me, but these smaller places have been where I existed.

There are people too. I have been very careful not to be attached with anyone in particular and keep my relationships a closed affair most of the times, and this, when I step out all I have to remember are a maximum of twenty to thirty names as friends, and out of that too, I am not going to miss many. but there are indeed some who I would miss. I have found a sister, a daughter and a teacher for myself in here. I wouldn't miss the sister much, but the daughter and all her stupidities would be missed. and if I am not lying, and being true, I would miss the teacher most of all. it's only a little time that I have known the teacher and so much has already happened in so less time. know this teacher, you would be badly missed. the lessons you thought me are of much more worth than the entire degree I am about to get in some months time in my hand.. there has been hardly anyone who had understood almost everything about me in such less time too.

I have been weighing my options all these days after my exams and yet to reach a conclusion. I have on one side, a ego state which is not willing to compromise on anything and on another side the practical aspect of life and the choices this place could lead me to. the day I win over these clashes, I would make a decision that might probably decide the future course and direction of my life. but like I said once, in the fight between ego and emotions and practicalities, ego wins every time. it doesn't even give a chance to fight for anything else, and it's high time I start to mend my ego, precisely the child ego and learn to let go of such things and be practical.

What right now I am going through is what Shomoita would call the quarter life crisis, you are an adult and yet you enjoy the cartoon, you take your decisions and yet seek for back up, you are in need of money, you are shameful to ask at home, you need a job, and you don't have one. truly, life is worth living. there is miles to go and milestones to set.
5

Questions

Why is it that you have to look away and pretend, not to care, when i can, from far, read your eyes and see how much you care?

Why is it that today we all are trying to be who we were not yesterrday?

Why is it that we live a life of apologies, regrets and pain?

Why is it that we live at all, when all we can do is to preten and walk away from people, things and places?

Why is it that we fail to realise, running away and hiding away are not for too long?

One day the world we build of lies shall fall on our head and knock us out of life.
0

Death Wish

meek, mild and tender your eyes
rolling down through your cheeks
words that once failed to gain voice
drained of emotions i stood watching
contemplating if to gift you false hopes
of a life, togetherness and a better tomorrow
not knowing if to wipe away your tears or
to walk away from you, forever
knowning that i wouldnt last for long
moments when i wish to be blessed
if i could stay a little longer
only if time is a luxury i could afford

A World of Questions

Have you ever felt that your purpose in someone's life is so over, yet you stay back because you once had a purpose and you can’t let go?

Have you ever been in a dilemma whether to stay or to leave? Both being harder choices to make? Have you ever been in a situation where you asked yourself am I doing it right this time?

Have you ever thought what would happen when you leave? But before that, have you ever thought what you get when you stay, if it’s worth all the pain you take? Have you ever weighed your choices on people?

Have you ever thought of letting everything go and watch life spread in front of you? Have you ever dreamed of the being the free spirit you once were? Before all the dependencies tied down your wings?

Have you ever lived for yourself? Have you ever realized that you are only answerable to yourself? Have you ever felt that your life is entire how you want it and how you make it? That you are on your own?

Have you lived your life the way you wanted? Have you been true to yourself?

Let it all go. Let the mind be free. Release all the clutter. There is a world out there. Let people solve their own problems. Build your life... Live. Free.

8

Absence


That night when you left me
It rained, thunders and lightning
Now when I think, the sky too wept
I only wonder if in pain or in joy

The pain that I bore when you departed
Breaking my heart in to a million pieces
Or the joy of taking back the star
That once fell down from tis abode, the sky.

You were there, in my life, when it was dark
And your smiles brightened up my world
And now when I am in light and merry
All I feel is a void that your absence creates

A void so loud that the silence
Echoes down and reverberates forever.
Penned to Life by Shravan. Powered by Blogger.
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