7

Republic Day and my Thoughts

this morning, my brother ignited my mind with a short message. The message is,
worlds,
7th largest country...
4th largest army...
3rd largest railways...
2nd highest populated country...
2nd fastest growing economy...
2nd in production of tea and rice...
1st production of mica...
worlds largest democracy...
worlds largest work force...
super power in 2020...
its all...
our one and only...
INCREDIBLE INDIA...
proud to be a citizen of this Great Country...
JAI-HIND

We are all these, but just some questions, we are the worlds largest work force, what about our efficiency? we have the worlds largest(one among) human resource and what is the efficiency in utilising those human resorcements? with a population 2nd largest in the world, and majority of that being the youth, what is he employment status?(am not mentioning only about the so called white collor jobs)? what about the culture we have now? what about the self respect? do we have that? the so called self respect?i doubt no. Grow india Grow, develop and grow, but at first develop a back bone to stand on your legs...

Republic day greetings to all.
...Mera Bharat Mahan...
5

Hopefully I Live...

I am just trying to write another poem, where i am not the speaker and she is.

Know I, he is not mine.
yet cant accept the reality
Divine, i would term the relation i have
yet i fear if it ends up well.
To accept the fact is what i try,
but in vein, and i merely fail.

All his love shared and possessed by her
and still i desire to have them
Deep in my heart, i envy her
her, who entered his life at first
yet i manage not to curse
for i know, i love him.

Down the pavement i walk as usual,
visualising him, holding my hand in his.
Hell did bless and i found him walking.
I found him walking not alone, but with her.
happily and hastily they walked,
hand in hand, chatting and laughing..

Emotionless i go the way forward.
My view scattered by my tears
yet hopeful in life i am and hopeful i remain.
He is not mine in this life,
nor can i have him in this life.
But in the next life, i will have him for my own.
4

What My Life Taught me

Life is not always about dreaming high and reaching nowhere, life is not always about wanting to do better, wanting to have a better tomorrow. Life is all about living it for the present, hoping for the best to open and not dreaming, its about working hard today and its about not lamenting about the lost past..

What you need in life is not always money,friends, and other materialistic possessions, instead what you need is the so called mental peace, the ability to face challenges in life and to pass the hurdles in life. And to do that, what you need is a piece of support, a piece of advice, a shoulder to carry you, a hand to wipe out your tears..

To live the life, what you need is some one to support you, to back you when you are down, some one who listens to you all the time and talks to you, some one who never guides you, some one who never tells you do that, instead some one who listens to what you speak, some one who says, do the best that you feel doing like..some one who says, you can do it, some one who never warns about the hurdles in your mission and discourages you, instead you need some one who fills you with the postive enery first, some one who gives you courage and some one who tells you that in this mission, you will have to face challenges and to win them i am with you.

And that is what one needs in life, and i would term that very piece as "Relationships". For one, it may me love, for one it may be friendship, for one it may be parental care and for one it may be the relation unnamed..
4

I Saw Myself Dead

Once you start reading this, read the entire article or you may not begin, please dont hurt my pride, i am already hurt.


Yesterday was the most dreadful night i ever had in my life. i have faced void for may times, i have had the worst pains in my life, i have cut my hands, legs,eyes and head. i have had 8 stitches on my head, and the mark is still there, for me to remember about the incidents, to remember that life is not to play with, instead it is to live carefully.

Never have i had such a night in my life, never have i dreamed like this. I fear if my words are going to bring into life what i saw, what i felt and what i experienced.As usual did i go to bed yesterday, sharply at 11.30 pm, tried calling my girl friend and she didnt pick up the call as she slept being tired.In her thoughts i crawled into my bed, hugged my pillow and fell into sleep.Never knew when i slept.


Then i was seeing this dreadful dream, this nightmare, this bloody nightmare and the effect is still on me. Throughout the day, i had my body shivering and sweating, my heartbeat seriously abnormal and my mood, the worst ever mood i ever had.. I saw myself dead in the dream. i have seen me die a lot many times, but not as this, not as this much clear and vivid. i saw myself suicided in the dream.. and the worst thing to happen is i still remember all incidents i dreamed, instance by instance... i am shivering even now when i write this, i feel my heart beat rising...


so the dream, all it started from my college. There was some function going on in the college and we, all classmates were assembled at the seminar hall.. I sat with my friend Rahul and we were talking, and then some of my friends went to the teachers who was seated in the seminar hall, and they were given some works to do.. then my name was called... i rose from my seat, Rahul shook my hand said, "buddy, all the best, do well".


I walked and walked to the teachers' side. My English teacher, Physics teachers and Electronics teacher were sitting there, and then my English teacher started announcing something, and i only heard "exceptional and excellent" and then some one else said,"well, dont say it now", and then my name "Shravan Raghunath" was announced.I was given the task to do some work on electronics, i didnt knew the answer and i said,"I'll do the assignement in english" and i got my question alterd. I went back to my classroom and started doing the task, and again, i failed to find the solution, then my friends helped me and later i used the text to copy some answers and i was seen by my physics teachers. One teacher asked the other " he's copying, what to do?" and he said,"we'll see it later".


I finished my work and then went to the panel, the teachers there, took the papers with me and said, "do this work", giving me some hindi write ups to read. Before i started reading, some one else came, set up the projectors and said, now that show should being. i pleeded and pleeded, let me complete this, the teachers didnt listen..


Time went past, all my friends left the college and i was still there..i met my phy teacher and said, "sir, i want to leave, i have my last bus now". He said, wait there, we will see.I waited and waited.. it was dusk then, i went to the teacher who was near the water filter at college and said, sir let me go now, let me do it now, i need this marks, at any cost i need this, i will do it now, but he didnt listen, and another teacher came in and scolded me, saying so many stuffs.It was nearly six in the evening then, i still waited and waited and then again went to my teachers and said, "sir, let me do it now, or i wont do", i was arguing then, i was screaming then and then the teacher got on to his nerves and scolded me.. i said"let me do it or i am leaving". HE said, "i'll not let you do for another one hour", i lost my nerves.


I lost my self control, i ran to the staircase, i climbed the stairs and reached to the top of the building. i haulted there for some time.. i prayed, i texted some friends of mine, then i jumped down from the top level to the ground.my body hit the stage, my skull broke, blood spilled,my brain and my marrow spilled... lay i dead in the concrete floor of the stage... i lay dead, cold freeze...


now that was the dream..and what happened after it was, i lost my sleep, i woke up and found myself cold and sweating, my bed wet in my sweat, my heart beat abnormal, unable to breath and talk, i feared the darkness, i feared the sound of the fan, i feared the flash of light from the open window of mine..


i tried to get up and found my right dead almost dear, struggled i to get up, switched on the light and switched off the fan, closed the window and sat in my chair.. i knew nothing then, i was shocked to see myself dead.. i couldnt sleep all night long.. in my bed i lay awake till morning, the day breakd did no wonder. i was sweating and sweating.. went to the college and then i was even more terrified, i saw the place where i jumbed to, i saw the same stairs that i climbed up.. i was terrified.. i feared everything..


even now i am not relieved from the shock, it has taken a lot from me, the true night mare it was, never ever i want to see such a dream again, and why i saw such a dream? the question still unanswered..and why do i still remember all those incidents?? and another thing that haunts me is, so far, all those dreams i ever saw with persons in it have always come true, believe me or not, all my dreams have come true and seriously, i do not want this one to come true.. Alhemdilillah, save me god, at your mercy i live.


Some one told me, dreams will never come true if said to some one, i have told this to the world now, hope this will never come true..


Love you mom and dad, love you sappu, love you vaavee(My GF) ,love you ambili, love you granma, love you dear cousins, love you all dear uncles and aunts, love you both,shiju and maya, shailu and anupriya, love you all my dear friends, love you dear teachers, love you all the world, love all,and i love myself(thanks Dubu).. love my life....
4

I Quit

From Jan 1 onwards, i have been posting in the blog regularly, and i had a purpose. The purpose well, was to post on all 31 days of Jan. But i quit now. i have realized that in this venture, i have flooded the blog with quantity than quality and hence i quit from the venture. Back to normal blogging. Will be updated only when i find some thing is worth posting here.


Update 21 Jan 09:-
When i say i quit, it doesnt mean that i quit blogging, its just that i quit from this venture of 21 days posting.. i will be here blogging as always.This is my virtual existance and i will exist here :)
3

The Third Type Of Love

Ref. and Quot: Ayesha Parveen
The third type of love is exclusive. It is meant for that one person who you love in a way you can love no one else. When this love happens, you understand that it is not mere infatuation or attraction. Deep in you soul, you recognize the person to be your one true love. Whether life gives you the chance to marry that person or not, does not affect your feelings. Just feeling that exclusive love for that special person makes life worth living. - Soul Talk

I do agree with this. But being in a relationship titled Love is not that much of a greater feeling. Even though one understands that its not mere infatuation or attraction, it’s not necessary that the relationship will go on. Seriously I do not think so. The essence of any relationship lies in understanding and adjusting.

To be in a relationship titled Love is every teenagers or youths' fancy, nor am I an exception and to be in such a relation for long term is never easy, believe me when I say, it’s not easy. The initial love, the feelings and everything are just temporary, seriously they are and those feelings can only be considered as infatuation and nothing else. To be in a relationship, understanding and adjusting is the key, it’s the base.

With the urge to be in a relationship and the hurried leap takes one to a fancy world where he thinks the other one is the best one, his ideal match, and Deep in the soul, he/she recognize the person to be his/her one true love. This infatuation may not occur for long and it’s the major reason for the flaw of any such relationships.

Now, if its not infatuation, if the first phase is lived and passed, then comes the second phase, where understanding is the key, its at this instance, after understanding that its not infatuation, and its true love, then comes the issue of understanding. For the success of any relationship, understanding is the key, one needs to know and make out what the other thinks, and with the teenage/youth fancies, people often fail to understand and they mistake listening for understanding. Being an active listener to the others words doesn’t mean that you are understanding them and understanding the others mood swing and getting to know them well is the key to the success of any relationship. You and I like the same song, the same food and we have the same choice, it’s not what is called as understanding. Understanding is when the other opposes or rejects some happenings, and then you accepting it, understanding is taking care of the others feelings, it is about reading even their silence. And most of the relationships that pass the first stage fail to cross this hurdle and there comes the third phase.

The third phase and the most important phase of any relationship is adjusting. For the success of any relationship, adjusting and making adjustments are the key notes. In any relationship, there are two people, as I speak about the so called Love, and these two persons differ in almost all aspects like, family and financial conditions, they have different choices of dressing, their behavior and likes and dislikes and it’s under these contexts that adjusting becomes the key.

Adjusting doesn’t mean suppressing your desire and passions for the other, but instead it’s taking care for the others feelings also, taking a note of how he/she feel about things. It’s not about yielding to his/her wills, but instead it’s about knowing why you are yielding and why you are not. Adjusting is not asking the other one to change his likes and dislikes at your will, and it’s not about complaining the other for not what he is, it’s instead about, accepting he/she as such, and knowing that they are brought up like that, and in a relationship, with out adjusting, there is no living. The key note for the success of any relationship is indeed adjusting.

Adjusting is all about sacrificing(its not the correct word,sorry) some things for your partner, not for his pleasure, but for the smooth running of the relationship, it’s about being yourself and accepting the other as they are with compromising on certain aspects. And it’s not even about saying, I am born like this, so far I have lived like this I can't change. Adjustment is a necessity in any relationships and from birth itself, every one is doing the same, it may be called as adapting even. In a relationship hence, adjustments and adaptations are important. we are not living as the way we lived when we were just 2 or 5, we learned to walk and run, we learned to write and read, we learned to live at our likes, or we adapted to the situations, and when it comes to indulging in relationships the same adjustment and adaptations are needed, the only difference, so far you adapted for you to sustain, but now "YOU" adapt for the sustaining of "YOU" and the difference is the first you is singular, where as YOU is plural. :)

Understanding, Adjusting, Adapting and Being Yourself are the base stones in building successful relationships, titled LOVE, and as for now, I keep my mouth shut for any other relationships, though I think the same points are applicable for all relationships.

The Mind

Unpredictable and distorted it is,
Turbulent and violent at times.
Simple and calm often, yet thoughtful.
Uncontrolled and reactive at times,
Lost at times, Hopeful at times..
Overwhelmed and emotional at times,
The Mind it is, capricious it is.
the abode of faculty of reason it is,
and yet uncontrolled by me it is.
the Obnoxious Mind it is !!
3

My Shadow

In yesterday's post "My Shadow", I tried to compare one's life with a shadow. Though I had the basic idea, I couldn't bring them to life in the poem.This is another modification of the same theme "Shadow".

Together with me he transversed
in lifes' ups and downs.
Never left me alone in the crowd
though the world deserted me.

Together we stood, united for ever.
Together in death stood we tied.
The other side of I, he is
My unique possession, my shadow he is.

Memories

Lay awake in my bed lately
and the memories flooded in
Went I, back to my lost past
and then tears flooded out.

Gone are those days of merry
Childhood fun and excitment.
I live now, in the world,
A individualistic world.

Life turned all around and
The memories still with me
Making me smile and weep
together at the same time.

Love the life i live
for i live with the memories
of the past life i had
Forever memories, me merry.

My Shadow

In the dawn, behind me he walked
in my childhood, dreams i had
My dreams did follow me,
walked with me all along.

In the mid-noon,with me he walked
In my youth, i lived my dreams
I achieved my goals, and fame i had
stood I, with my head up, as he .

In the dusk, before me he walked
In my old age, memories i had-
of the life i lived so far.
sat i, reclined to my chair, remembering.

The other side of i he is
my shadow he is! With me,
in lifes' ups and downs he transversed
and when i am buried,he too will be.
5

Sex Education

Do not know if i have said everything that i wanted to, but things were in my mind, a mixture of them.. kindly pardon for the typos, and shymechi, that you for the help.

A boy of age 13 confessed to his teacher, “Madam, I have done so much wrong this year. I won't be the same from tomorrow; I want to be good in all respects. The next day, he went missing and later a story came up that the boy had a business of discs that is, delivering discs to people even at school, discs which included every thing from music, movies and even porn.

Teenage, well is the most complex period in ones life. It is natural and genuine that teenagers think different, act different and behave different. Often teen-age is said to be the most crucial period in one’s life, as it forms his or her individuality, it designs their attitudes and from there on, their life begins. It's the same teenage that even spoils children. Teenagers dare to do anything, they smoke, they drink, well well well and what not. I am not speaking about the early teens here, but about those matured teens. And it's the same teenage where they get to know about sex, porn, nudity and the rest. The physical changes like growth, voice modulation, all these happen during the teen age. Right, I am not going to speak about those aspects, I have my intentions and I am focusing on porn, nudity and sex.

Porn, well teenagers do watch porn, yes … I mean it. One cant figure out a teenager who has not watched a single porn movie now, exceptional cases may be there. Speaking from my experience, I have watched porn, yes I have, in my early teen I have, and my friends too have. You can't complain. It's natural to know about sex, especially about the opposite sex. I have drunk, I have smoked, I have watched porn, and I have dreamt of having a girl for me, almost every one in the age does.

It's the same attraction towards porn that leads to many sexual abuses. In my view what happens to the other gender is a question that resides inside all teens, be it a boy or a girl. It's natural that they want to know, and it is under these conditions that sex education becomes important to an extend. Now sex education, as far as I am concerned, must be included in the school curriculum. I have heard people speaking a lot against it, saying it will mislead children, but I strongly oppose, it has to be in the curriculum, children have to know and ought to be provided with proper knowledge about sex.

Now, another question I have to face when saying this is, how can it be taught? Well, I do not have the answer. I know only this, teens are to be taught scientifically, or else they gain knowledge from other means, that is from porn movies, from magazines and sorts and finally they get it all messed up. Is that the way they are to learn? I know people whose mothers teach them that "sex is a sin". Is this the way to educate their daughters or sons for that matter? Isn't that making them sexually illiterate? Isn't that feeding on to them a wrong idea? Is that the kind of sex education that a teen ought to get? And I have had friends who refer to semen as fat and who say that masturbation leads to a reduction of weight as fat is being ejected. Is that the kind of knowledge one has to attain? Here, I am not of the opinion that the act is wrong, but getting addicted is wrong. Even science has approved masturbation as a way to control ones unbearable sexual desire.

Another common trait on the teens is the increased addiction to web browsing, in search of porn again, nude pictures and beyond that. Chatting, not very often though, even ends up reaching to talks on nudity. I have had a friend who taught me to chat, who taught me the emoticons, and later taught me the female physical anatomy. With the increased access to internet, this side of its application can never be rejected.

Coming back to sex education, I stick to my point, it is to be in the curriculum .teens are to be let known about sex, am not telling to teach them sex, instead I am saying, that let them be aware. I can't even think of a situation where a mother tells her daughter that sex is sin, where as she is supposed to make her aware about sex, make her aware about sexual hygiene. Similar is a boys case, for example the case of the one I told.

Again I will have to face a question, what if he or she is not educated? Believe me or not, he or she will gain the knowledge, from the ways I mentioned above, from friends and from other sources, and what happens then might be beyond explaining. Who knows if one gets a proper knowledge from one of his or her own age? I do not think that a teen will go and ask his or her parent about sex. So the only way to know is those ways, which quite often give an extrapolated, ballooned, and romanticized version of things.

And then comes, the issue of sexual abuse. Often those teens who are not aware of sex are abused more than those who are aware. I do not agree that teens are the only class or age groups that are abused, but the majority is teens. Denying their right to know make them so vulnerable that they can be abused easily. Not only abusing is the issue, the torturing and the mental depression they are to face are much more important issues. Recently, I read some where that, being abused in the early ages or teen ages are a key cause for the occurrence of homosexuals and lesbians and I do believe that it is one of the major causes, though reasons may me more to count. So it all leads to an emphatic point that sex education is quite important.
8

To My Mom


Two pictures that i took are combined to make this background, and then came the lines in mind. Mom, i love u.
4

The Moon


Happened to see this colour for the moon yesterday evening, thought of taking a picture and its here, i know its not a good pic, but i could do only this with a std. digital camera.hope you like it.
0

The Obnoxious Mind

(i hope that you read this completely)
Why does one get carried away with the emotional outbreaks once in a while in his life? Why does one be emotional, sentimental and reactive at certain times in life? Why does one take all his relations, whether it be blood-bound, choice bound or even cosmic, so close to heart?


Questions have been burning inside my mind for days now, ever since I had an emotional -sentimental breakdown. Why I broke down, is still a question left unanswered. Why isn't one able to accept and face reality that every one has their on lives to live? Why, at certain instances in life, one fails to be normal? Why does he never make out that the importance of him is limited to his bounds only and why is he never understanding that people can always be with him always and forever, making him feel the presence? Why does one fail to realize that they are still in his life, though silent?


Why at times, people lose the control of their minds? Why do they cling on to the aspects of love, care, possession, passion and sharing? Why do they fail to make out that though left unexpressed, the love, the care, and everything is still there? What else it can be than being Obnoxious?

Spoke the well dressed man who entered the stage hurriedly in the last moment, the audience clapped, they listened to him as if they were hearing a new theorem stated, as if they are witnessing a wonder happen. The man continued, love, care, and everything else are nothing but words, the world is not as you see now, the world is new, and its is not the new world. He paused, the audience clapped. He spoke again, his voice grew louder and clear. We need a new world, where real love prevails, where people understand each other and care for each other. His voice echoed, he said, now we take an oath here, that we will unite and stand for a new world. The entire audience stood up, and he continued, I will lead to the newer world, he audience clapped, and then, he took is gun from his coats' pocket, and shot point black on his head... the gathering stunned and left unconscious, none spoke and none moved..

Rushed in, four people dressed in white at the same instance and they climbed up the stage where the dead body was, then came a man, dressed up like a gentleman. He stood on the dais and said to the crowd, the dead man was obnoxious; he was mad and sick; he was under his treatment for last 12 years, and was missing for the last three days and the crowd couldn’t believe what they heard. They shook their hand in wonder.
...The Obnoxious Mind...

To My Dearest

No apologies would solve it
The pain you bore
And the way u kept it
Bearing and not complaining
You lived and you live
Making me weep always
And you still smiling
Just like that 3 years old
The naughty kid like.
But now I realize that
You are grown and matured
Than I am, than I could ever be
Making me proud and
Making me weep together
You are the gem of my life
But
No apologies would solve it
The pain I gave u
The misunderstanding I had
And dear
Take my word
I will be there, with you
Always and forever
The eternal relation we have
Will live for long, eternal it will be.

This is not a poem. This is my emotional outbreak of mine, following the very mistake I did, for misunderstanding my best friend, for no fault of hers, and ambili, no apologies will cure the pain you suffered... love u, and I am proud of you.

But still i am sorry, please please forgive me, and i am really really proud of u kunjavee...
5

Into Trance

Death, once again has become my favourite topic.I do not know this poem conveys the exact meaning that i wanted to tell, i do not know if its clear enough, but still its here, penned for you all.

By the time clock ticks twelve
By the time the world sleeps
By the time a new day begins
I will be into trance.

Into darkness I walk
Into trance I sink
Into reality I glide
Away from my life, I go.

Lived with hopes and dreams
Wanting to fly to newer heights
The wings but burned and alas!
I fall merely from earth to hell.

Into trance I blend my soul
Face I not the world, but
The reflections in my eyes
And then burn myself.

In solitude I live with hopes
That you, my best friend
Will come to me one day,
Save me and together we leave..

Till you ring the bell,
Let me be in trance.
I wait for you to come and
To share the life with you.
4

Reality

Down the memory lanes i walk,
there i find me, innocent.
down the track of reality i walk,
there i find me, materialistic.
4

From A Friends' Diary

ഹൈ സ്കൂളില്‍ എന്റെ കൂടെ പഠിച്ച എന്നെ മലയാളം എഴുതാന്‍ പടിപിച്ച നീതുവിന്റെ പുസ്തകത്തില്‍ നിന്നും ഞാന്‍ മോഷ്ടിച്ചു എടുത്ത കുറച്ചു കവിതാ ശകലങ്ങള്‍. മോഷ്ടിചതു ആണെങ്ങിലും പിന്നീട് ഞാന്‍ ഈ വരികള്‍ എന്റെ കയ്യില്‍ ഉണ്ടെന്നു പറയുകയും അത് എനിക്കുള്ള ഓട്ടോഗ്രാഫ് ആയി തരികയും ചെയ്തു.
ഒരു കവിയോ എഴുത്തുകാരിയോ ആവും അവള്‍ ഒരുനാള്‍. അവളുടെ ഇഷ്ട വിഷയം ആയിരുന്ന പ്രണയം, പ്രണയത്തെ കുറിച്ചുള്ള അവളുടെ ചില വാക്കുകള്‍, പഴയ പുസ്തക കെട്ടുകള്‍് എടുത്തു വെറുതെ താളുകള്‍ മറിച്ച് നോക്കിയപ്പോള്‍ കിട്ടിയ കടലാസ്സു കഷ്ണത്തില്‍ ഉണ്ടായതു..

1 ഒരുപാടു മോഹിച്ചു
ഒരുപാടു മോഹിപിച്ചു
ഒരുപാടു ഉയരത്തെത്തി
അവസാനം,
ഒരു ഇല പൊഴിയുന്ന
ലാഘവത്തോടെ പ്രണയം
മരിക്കുന്നു.

2 വേര്‍പിരിയുന്ന അവസാന നിമിഷം
വരെ
സ്നേഹത്തിന്റെ ആഴം ആരും തിരിച്ചറിയാറില്ല.
4

Remembering Bestie

i want the world to know my best friend Ambili, the best person that i have ever come across in my life. what i am now, what i have earned, and what i have achieved is all because of her.

Quoted from Rugma, "I had a wrong perception about friends... I thought they would hold my hand through out my life... I thought that they would support me and stand with me when I am in trouble...Now I understand that they are human beings like me...... ...If I ever happen to see any friend who would never ever let go of a person, I know that it would be GOD himself... Every body else will drop us at some point of life..."

i proudly say, my ambili, my best friend will never let me go, she will always be with me, and as Rugma says, she is god then.

she entered my life, unexpected, with an e- mail, everything from that mail to what had happened is so special about her. She enter my life in the mid 2006, by sending a mail to an old id of mine, which i never used. and what is special about that is, i checked that mail id on that very day, found her mail, and replied her, still now i do not know what prompted me to log into that rarely used id on that day. and the second special thing is, the affection i felt for her mail, the way she typed the mail, felt like, a sister mailed to me, so sweet and childish..she entered my life at her age of 15th.

from that very day onwards, she has been in my life, when i was down, when i was up, when i was lonely and when i was in a crowd. she way she understood my words, the way she understood my silence and the way she cared for me, i have no words to explain.

today, Mr. KP asked me, how i was able to write well at this young age, i felt on top of the world when he asked me so, though i knew it was a praise and his kind heart to give me such a compliment. the reply i gave him was, my teacher made me write. But i must correct now, my best friend made me write.the mails we exchanged, the chat sessions we had, the appreciation she gave for two poems of mine, which i wrote merely for the sake of publishing in think.com, maintained my oracle foundation, made me write, he support she provided me with, made me a writer if i am any.

now why mails? i have never seen my best friend. yes, we have never met even when i am typing this post, she is unseen. the only ways we keep in touch now are occasional mails, very rare phone calls and texts.but earlier, we used to wait for ones mail, used to chat for hours and least phone calls.the changing schedules and busy life has taken so much of time from us, but still the affection, the care, and the love still remains as such.

this change of schedules, i have failed to understand and have fought with her many times, argued with her for not mailing me, for not giving missed calls to me, seriously, it was still there today, and now all settled, after all we are the best of friends.

the way she always behaved, has made me laugh even when i wasn't feeling that good, the way she flushed my sorrows, the way she brought smile to my lips, the comfort she provided me with when i was down, the hope she had and still has on me, the way she stayed in my life, after those useless fights, those intolerable offenses i have made against her, all those make her so special to me.

the life i live now, is the gift she gave me, if ever i am optimistic at any point, the credit goes to her. i who was a born pessimistic was changed a lot by my best friend. the support she provided me with when i struggled in my 12th, i cant explain. i have had a miserable life in class 11 and 12, i passed out with merely a low percentage against the hopes my parents had on me, against the ability i had, against the score i earned in my class 10th, to tower in to 90s and to fall to the 60s is never a good feelings. the mental depression it created, the pain and condition i had been into, it took me to a new stage where i even decided to give away my life. the reason for be being alive now is my best friend, he hope, the faith and the love she had for me, the control she has on me, and the comfort she provided me, i owe her my life, and the maturity she showed at those days, well that her speciality.

the childish ambili turns very matured and practical when speaking about life and living. the concept she has, the counselling she gave me, ambili, you are the gem of my life.the way she understood me, the way she stood my short temper, no one else can bear.the way she reacted when ever i said about death, just like how a caring sister would do.

to stay away and then to care, never to be seen and to trust, never to be bound by blood and to love, isn't that what we call eternal? the relationship i share with my friend is indeed eternal

for those who bend their nose on our relationships, its not what you think to be, she is indeed my best friend, my sister and everything except for a lover and a partner. i would define our relationship as platonic friendship. i would want this friendship with her to be continued till my life ends, and beyond that.

Suggested readings :
1.http://rockingangel1990.blogspot.com/2009/01/friendgod.html
(Rugma's Blog)
2.http://lakven.blogspot.com/2008/04/platonic-relationshipfriendship.html
(Lakshmi's Blog)
7

Back To Home

A wanderer's life I lived till
all alone, all along, all alone.
A life so thrilling I lived till.
A materialistic lifer I lived.

Many entered, many left and many stayed,
still secluded, isolated and unlamented I live.
No binding memories, no love shared,
no care known, all alone I lived.

No nightmares no flashbacks no dreams
kept me away from the going.
Broken are the hurdles and bonds.
No maternal affection I possessed.

Left alone in the pathway of life
transversed I, with the current.
Faced, I the white face or world
all alone all along all alone.

No thoughts of mother haulted me
no soft feelings tempted me
no emotional outflows filled in me
I too turned materialistic with the world.

That night, drunk and drunk
I spent in the bar
the sedation of Bacardi on me
turned the mind upside down.

Rose those childhood memories in me,
the hours spent, watching waves,
the silly fights and games played
that heavenly affection my mother showed.

A flash of emotions in my mind,
decision made, back to home.
decision made, adieu cruel world.
Decision made, back to home.

The fury of emotions arose
from the grave I made for them
as I drove my car, drunk.
Miles to go the destination away.

Drunk, still drove the car and
the car braked and screamed
there I lay ripped in pieces
a flash of light fell on me.

The decision, back to home still burning
the decision unfulfilled while alive
fulfilled with my coffin reaching there
and my soul reached, alive.

Back to home I reached in my coffin, but
back to my eternal home I reached alive.

Participated in the poetry competition at college today, the theme to write was "Returning home after a few years". This is the rough copy of the poem I wrote though the original piece differ a little lot for this as I incorporated the theme to this, by a single line, "after years went past”. I forgot the actual ending of the poem, in fact I had reconstructed the lines from "...the fury of.... ....eternal home I reached alive."
5

യാത്ര-ഒരു യാത്രികന്റെ കഥ.

ആദ്യം അവര്‍ എന്നെ ഒരു യാത്രയ്ക്ക് ക്ഷണിച്ചു.മടിച്ചു മടിച്ചു ഞാന്‍ ആ യാത്രയ്ക്ക് തയ്യാറായി.എന്റെ കൈ പിടിച്ചു പിടിച്ചു അവര്‍ എന്നെ ഈ വികൃതമായ ലോകത്തിന്റെ മുന്നിലൂടെ നടത്തി.പതിയെ പതിയെ പിച്ച വെച്ചു നടന്നു നടന്നു ഞാന്‍ ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് നടക്കാന്‍ പഠിച്ചു.എന്റെ യാത്ര വീണ്ടും മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ..ബാല്യം വിട്ടു കൌമാരത്തിലേക്കു കടന്ന എന്റെ വഴിയില്‍ കുറെ പുതുമുഖങ്ങള്‍ വന്നു,കൂട്ടുകാരെന്ന പേരില്‍.അവരുടെ കൂടെ ആദിയും പാടിയും ഞാന്‍ ജീവിതം ആഘോഷിച്ചു.

കൌമാരം വിട്ടു യവ്വ്‌ാനത്തില്‍ എത്തിയ എന്റെ എന്റെ യാത്ര പിന്നെയും മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ.ആദ്യ പ്രണയവും അതിന്റെ സുഖമുള്ള നോവും പിന്നീടങ്ങോട്ട് ഒരുപാടു സൌഹൃദങ്ങളും, വീണ്ടും പ്രണയവും കോളേജും എല്ലാം കൂടെ എന്റെ യവ്വ്‌ാനം കടന്നുപോയി.വലിച്ചു ചാടിയ സിങേരെട്ടും, കുടിച്ചു പൊടിച്ചു ചാടിയ മദ്യകുപ്പിയും മാത്രം ബാക്കി. ഒരുപാടു ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ തന്നു ആ കാലവും കടന്നു പോയി.

ജോലിത്തിരക്കും ജീവിതത്തില്‍ കടന്നു വന്ന പുതിയ കൂട്ടുകാരിയും കുടുംബവും എല്ലാം പിന്നീട് അങ്ങോട്ട് എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ ഭാഗമായി. കുടുംബം നോക്കാന്‍ ഉള്ള തത്രപാടില്‍ ഞാന്‍ എന്നെ മറന്നു, എന്റെ ജീവിതം മറന്നു. കുടുംബത്തിനും കുട്ടികള്‍ക്കും മാത്രമായി ഞാന്‍ ജീവിച്ചു. കുട്ടികള്‍ വളര്ന്നു. എന്നെ എന്റെ മാതാപിതാക്കള്‍ കൈ പിടിച്ചു നടത്തിയ പോലെ ഞാന്‍ അവരെയും നടത്തി. എന്റെ കഴിവിന് അനുസരിച്ച് പടിപിച്ചു.

കാലം പിന്നെയും മുന്നോട്ടു പോയി. വാര്‍ധക്യം ആര്ക്കും വേണ്ടാത്ത അവസ്ഥയില്‍ എത്തി ഞാന്‍.അത് വരെ എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തില്‍, എന്റെ കൈ പിടിച്ചു നടന്ന എന്റെ കൂട്ടുകാരിയും എന്നെ വിട്ടു പോയി. ജീവിതത്തില്‍ ആദ്യമായി ഞാന്‍ ഏകനായി. ഞാന്‍ എന്റെ മാതാപിതാക്കന്മാരെ നോക്കിയ പോലെ എന്നെ എന്റെ മക്കളും നോക്കുമെന്ന വിശ്വാസം റെട്ടിച്ചു കൊണ്ടു അവര്‍ എന്നെ വൃദ്ധ സദനത്തില്‍ ആക്കി. വീണ്ടും എന്റെ ജീവിത യാത്ര മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ.ആ വൃദ്ധ സദനത്തില്‍ ഞാന്‍ ഒരു നാള്‍ മരിച്ചു വീഴും, അപ്പോഴും എന്റെ യാത്ര മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ ആയിരിക്കും. ഈ വൃത്തികെട്ട ലോകത്തില്‍ നിന്നും മാറി സഹജീവി സ്നേഹം മുഖമുദ്ര ആക്കിയ ഒരു പുതിയ ലോകതികേക്ക്.. എന്റെ യാത്ര മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ. മറ്റുള്ളവരെ ഇടിച്ചു താഴ്തറെ അവന്റെ കഴിവുകളെ അന്ഗീകരിച്ചും സ്വന്തം കുറവുകളെ മനസ്സിലാക്കിയും, സ്നേഹത്തോടെ, ഒരുമയോടെ ജീവിക്കുന്ന ഒരു പുതിയ ലോകത്തിലേക്ക്‌ എന്റെ യാത്ര മുന്നേറുന്നു.. എന്റെ യാത്ര, അത് മുന്നോട്ടു തന്നെ..

this is my first attempt to write in malayalam, i am not good in the language, i have not studied the language in my class 11th and 12th.. kindly forgive for the errors i have made, kindly consider this, that this is my first attempt to blog in malayalm, and i am not that greatly acquainted with the language now, but surely i will be one day.

the theme explained in english may be found in the comments window.
7

The Beggars

This is the changed that i have noticed to happen in the past one year. Till last year, i used to notice, old woman, old man, physically disable and mentally retarded people begging. I have often seem them beg for a living and since last year, there has been a drastic change.

What I see, often in the bus station, is a new tendency, child beggars and young "girls" begging. The way the children beg is beyond describing. They pitch you if you don’t pay them, they mock you, they hang on you shirts, they do not plead for money, instead they order, they are taught to do so, they are not natural beggars,( natural in the sense that, there is no other alternative than begging), instead they are created beggars. They are supposed to beg and earn money. I have often noticed beaten marks and wounds on their body though I never paid them. Seriously I never pay, for I do not find any poverty in them, for I believe that they are made to beg. and the girl/woman beggars, of the age which I assume to be from 16-17-18 to the mid thirties, dressed up for the sake, showing her assets and begging, carrying a kid on her shoulders, begging for money, and even trying to sell themselves, yes I mean it, I have witnessed it when a "girl" tried to sell her off.

They way they react when not paid are more than unbearable or intolerable, the language they use, and we need to make a new dictionary then. The way the walk, the way the cover their body, leaving open all parts to be covered and covering all parts that are not to be necessarily covered is nothing more than disgusting.

changes i have noticed in the so called natural beggars even, every week, on Tuesday, there would be a visit (rally) of beggars to my home, earlier my grandma used to give them all, 50 ps each, and then the 50ps got increased to 1re, and now, right now, they even reject to accept that 1re and throw the coin back at our face. I do not oppose, the deserved are to be helped, but when they react like this, who is supposed to pay them?
9

I Love, Off The Edge

I loved the starting "wrooom wrooom" of the bike, i loved the way i "switched the bike on".i loved the high throttle, i loved the sudden gear shift and jump of the bike, and i loved driving in the night..that was crazy, crazy soo much..
i loved the cold air blowing on to my face, i loved the tears rolling out of my eyes, i loved the dusts that made my tears come out, i loved the reddish eye of mine after the journey..i loved the way i drove, i loved it when i found the road ahead straight and empty, i loved the rush of blood in my veins, i loved the adrinaline rise in my blood, i loved seeing th tacho shuffle past 8-9 readings, i loved it when the speedo showed 90, i died to see it reading 100, and i nearly dead when i saw it touch 107, i loved the back display on yellow light, showing 107, i loved the burnout curves, i loved overtaking the bus that over took another bus, i loved doing a crazy shake of the handle,i loved it when the light from the other vehicle made me blind for seconds, i loved it when i faced death so near, so close, i loved the heat generated then, i loved the rush of sweat on my forehead,i loved the drum beat that echoed in my ears, i love the sound quality of sony ericsson.

i loved it when bhool bhoolayya played and i accelerated to the 107, i loved the cold air and dust, the way i was blinded.. i loved th curves and turns i did, i loved the burning out of tyre, i loved the unexpected stoppie, even though it shook me a lot, i loved it when the vehicle in front braked suddenly and i loved it even more when i feared hitting it,at a speed of above 80 kmps, i loved the jump on the hump and the turn on the car.i loved it when a child pointed at me after stopping the vehicle, i loved it when i drove with no licence, and no helmet on., i loved it when i broke the rules, and i love my life, when lived of the edge.
3

Dream

A dream thee seen whilst asleep is not it
A dream seen in thy eyes awake, is it.
A dream that prolongs thy sleep is not it
A dream that keeps thy sleep away is it.

" A dream is not that you see whilst sleep,instead it is that which makes you not to sleep, it is that which keeps you awake all night long "
3

A Confession

It was new year ,
partying at the beach
i was drunk
he was also drunk
i was shaking
he was not
i was not stable
he was
i was unstable
he stood on his legs
i was sleepy
he took me to his home
i was drunk
he also was drunk
i was drowsy
he was not
he laid me on his bed
it was hot
he removed my dress
i was alone
he slept with me
morning came
it was new year
i was still drowsy
he was not
it was cold
i was shivering
he gave me warmth
his heat was high
i was wet
he was wet even
i was lonely
he was with me

its new year again.
alone i stand not now
for that night gave me
him to care,
the little kid in my hand
a gift delivered year past.

02-Jan-'08 Update :
I was trying to write a dramatic monologue.
Dramatic monologue as defined by wikipedia "A 'dramatic monologue' is a type of poem, favoured by many poets in the Victorian period, in which a character in fiction or in history delivers a speech explaining his or her feelings, actions, or motives. "

'I' stands for a girl and 'he' stand for her boy. hope i have made the idea behind this work now.
5

First Day of 2009


I started the day by watching my clock tick 12.00, my watch ringing the alarm, and mob ringing.. new year greetings from all over, the first to wish was my girl friend and along with her a special friend, who loves not to reveal the identity.for the first time in my life, i was holding both of my mobiles in each ears and listening to the wish.the first person i wanted to wish was ambilikutty, but the telephone line was not through.. i wished each and every friend of mine, calling them all, some were in deep sleep that they were saying blah blah blah and yawning...

wished those friends who were busy at 12 in the morning by 7 am and then left to college, talked to "princess" after 3-4 months and wished her a happy new year.. usual chit chats with buddies and in college was having a good time...the day was soo good, in class, i was enjoying and smiling, the "cake cutting ceremory" was awesome as all put their head into the cake and eat up everything, painting my face and dress with the cream, painting rahuls dress with the cream, it was funny..

So many friends called me even,talked and greeted, came back home, right now online.
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