Remembering 2008

As i bid farewell to the year 2008, as i think about the past 12 months, a lot of memories flooding and i am finding it hard to pen them down now.An overflow of mixed emotions in mind about 2008. Yes, the year was one of mixed emotions for me, i had given me enough to laugh, even more enought o lament, a lot to memorise and cherish and a little so much to forget.. the year has taughtme new lessons in life, it has given me a lot many of new experiences...well let me try now.. what gave 2008 to me

no month my month date by date analysis, but still some months and dates to be remembered, february gave me time to be with my girlfriend, it gave me time to be me,and college was fine. march april and may were eaten up my the exams.. celebrated vishu with family, may be for the last time with the joint family, well that is for personal reasons.. and soon after vishu came the first years university exams and it kept me busy with my books, oh man that was hectic to be with books 24X7,managed as i had to and as i have a lot of hopes kept on me.

entered into the second year of college in june and july was of no fun. august was the same except for another visit to my girl friends' place..september was onam season and there was no fun...

october was funfilled with shijus engagement, visits to fiancee's place and enjoying a railway station date with my girlfriend.now dont wonder, it was so funny, she was going through my place from mumbai to back to her place and i agreed to meet her at kannur railway station.and what happened was, the train which was supposed to be at the station my 8 am on october 10th morning reached by 11.30 am on october 10th and i missed my class on that day.and how we talked was even more funny, she and i stood at 1 meter apart and called to her mobile and talked face to face, reasons were there for not talking face to face.that is about the station date.

in november nothing real happened except for another meeting with my girlfriend at her place, the visit to arts gallery there, in december writing exams and getting a complete 10 days break for christmas, another important thing happened was shailu's engagement, enjoyed the payasam of the feast.nothing much in december even. and now that ends the monthly analysis.

well what i learned and what i earned is a question to be answered now, or a question to be asked to myself.

i learned that life is to be lived alone, i learned that losing hope is not the way to live. living good means hoping good and receiving what ever lifes gives as such and enjoy every moment in life..i have learned that not all relations are kept close to heart, i learned that being me is not easy, learned that being committed is not an easy job as it seems but a good feeling to be in, to have someone to care for and someone to be with is a good feeling on earth, not discarding the love and care of my parents, ambilikutty, and other friends, all these have different meanings na?
i learned that hoping for the best is the best attitude to keep,learned that winning hearts is not easy.. i learned that i have a lot to learn again..

what i have earned is a bunch of new experiences, a bunch of new friends and a few betrayals, a lot of support and blessing and a lot a lot of memories..

what i have found new in life is a new inspiration, a new hope and a new aim to dream for..and in this year, another dream came true, my blog, Quilling In Blood first and Obnoxious Mind later and both now, my blog is my virtual existance, its a dream come true for me, and what my blog has given me is a new experience, that in the bloggers world, or the blogosphere, all are alive, no bar on age all are treated alike irresptive or all bars, i have always found support and encouragement from my co-bloggers..

2008 was a year of mixed emotions i said, it has given me sorrows even, some nasty quarrels with my loved ones, some fights still unsettled, some causeless arugments, some hearts broken for my odd behaviour, names to mention, the one fight i had was with sheetal, someone who loved me like a younger brother, someone who cared for me, someone who prayed for me to be good always, someone who made me feel what a elder sister's care is all about.. and why have i lost her? for my own mistake, for my own odd behavoiur, sorry sheetal, that was the worst period of time in my life.(i have mentioned the worst time in an earlier post).

hope the coming new year brings better things in my life, hope that i will have all problems solved and i hope the world will be in peace.

In Memory Of A Friend

In thou memories will i ever live
In thou thoughts awake i will ever be
Thee shall move away in course of time
But thy memories will ever remain

Its hard for thee to come back
but still i shall wait for thee
left thy life to the heaven
and thy memories still in hearts

and those will ever remain there.
dear, you still live in out hearts.

ps:friend-personified cat

Another Picture...

from my camera, not that good to share, but i love this pic, its my own eye, my own reflections in it, i love the pic.the picture is not subjected to any photoshop works, the clarity is not good as i had 2 zoom it beyond the optical zoom limit of the cam.


Those Good Old Days...

As i lived separated from the joint famliy with my mom dad and brother at payyanur, it was always fun for me to be at home for the holidays, with the bigggggg family and to enjoy the live.

As said, i lived with "my family" at payyanur before shifting to here in last march.Payyanur is the place with gave me a lot of memories, i grew up from there, all my childhood and the most of my teenage life had been spent there. i am attached to that land like anything, payyanur has given me that much of memories, that much of hopes and that much of sadness. i loved the life at payyanur, my friends, the library the temple visits, group hangouts, everything i just miss these days..i would say, payyanur is my home town, i know all the nuke and corner of payyanur,those cycling hours in the town has taught me almost all routes there... if ever again in my life i get a chance to be back at payyanur i would certainly be.. i love the land, i love that atmosphere.. those good (g)old(en) days would never be back...

Those school days, the pranks we played, the combined late night studies for the 10th std exams at school, those friendship we possessed, those enjoyment and entertainment we had, those debates in the english hour, those cricket matches in the ground,the intimacy we possessed, those naughty jokes and comments we shared,the healthy competition we had in exams, everything just in memories,
those good old days would never be back again..

the friendship we possessed lives still now, all other relationships merely proving to a materialistic one these days..i mean it, materialistic relationship..our friendship rock buddies, miss you all, know that good old days will not be back...

when i sit and think now,these memories make my eyes wet. those memories are gone for ever.. relationships like this much of fun,enjoyment, committment, openness, and sincerity will be hard to come by in the days to come.. the more we grow, the more we become selfish.. i am no exception in this, i too may become selfish at times.. but still these memories are always great to cherish, to be lived in the hart for long.. guys i miss you all..

some names to be remembered always, it doesnt mean that others are secondary, but still these people are special.
Ambili, my best friend, my sister, my kunjava, for being with me when i was down, for always hoping that i will do better the next time, for supporting me, for helping me relive the lost life.. for bearing, for understanding even the silence of mine, for coming to my life when i needed a better friend.though unseen yet, you are my besy friend ambili..

Shinoy, Shamily and Vishnu, for being with me, Shinu thank you for those laughing moments and exams written together.. Shamily, thank you for always backing me, for staying as a better friend even after school day, Vishnu, now what should i tell? this bloody idiot has been with me ever since i start memorising things, from class I to this day, this guy has been with me, my best buddy, some one who i can always ask for help..

Ashwin, Vaisakh, Kiran, Rinto, Baldev, Jithya, Arun, Soumya, Ganesh, Pradeep, Gayathri, Neethu, Mithunraj, Sudhin, Yadhu, Sandhya, Unni, Jithin, Manu, Arjun, Nisha, Dileep, Navya, Pallavi, Deepak.. and lot more people..

now on family, as i said, i used to live separated from my bigg famliyy..i used to pray for the holidays to come early, to get some 5-6-7 days leave so that i can be with the big family, aunts, uncles, granmas, the kids, it was fun to be with the family...

never missed the biggg family life when i was at payyanur, thanks to my friends, and yeah, each and every break time, i visit my big family.. to play with my brothers and sisters, to enjoy my life, to be with them to feel the love and care of uncles, to be playful and bugging with aunts..

i always used to have the big brother position, as i was the elder most one in the younger generation, used to have my word in the family,used to be that teasing kind for mom, bugging her with my pranks, those good old days also will not be back..

the celebrations, the onam celebration, the christmas celebration, the vishu celebration.. these were my days of enjoyment, as i could be home on all these days, enjoying my life with all those who i love, the parting day was always the most paining one for me..my mood would swing, my interests would fail, my eyes would sink... i lose the self of mine and that hang will be there for the next 2 days, and at once back to the mass of friends, everything is the same again... that sad feeling, that was , that was.. i love that, it was filled with hope, hope to be ack for the next holiday, memories, memories of those days i had with the family...the vishu break was the happiest break for me, as i would ahve 2 montsh break and out of those 2 months i used to spent more than one month at the big home.. and how the home acquainted these much of people is still a wonder, a room for each family,mom dad n the 2 siblings in the same room, how many of us can think of a life like that??

now that we all got separated and the big home hosts only 6 people, my uncle and his family and my aunty and granma, now when am i going
to have those good old days back?
past was beautiful, present is good, what about future?

All Alone... All Along... All Alone...


All alone in my life i stand
All alone in my life i walk
All alone,deserted i live.
The love i have from all,
Another mask put on

All alone i stand and bear
All alone i live my life.
Your love a hope for me,
But proving to a mirage now.
All alone, all along, all alone..

Long for the love and
everyone seems busy.
Long for care and
masks put on.
all alone, all along, all alone
I live my life, unlamented.

Failed I, to know the fact,
that life is just like this
Forget I, the fact,
all alone i have to walk
all alone i have to bear
all alone i am to face
the world and the world.

All love a proven mirage,
Just a play of words and emotions
All alone i be in the live
i am to live unlamented.

Lead Kindly Light

One of my Favourite photos that i took using the standard digital camera..


The Companion

Sitting in the visitor’s room is him
The companion of darkness,
Who I often feared but not now.
He has come to take me along,
To guide and walk with me along,
Through the unknown paths of live.

He has come to walk with me,
Not through the live that I live now,
But through the isolated path of life
That is to come after my death.

His face unseen and voice unheard
Yet so powerful to make me walk
All along, all alone, all along.
As I was along, I would imagine
How his appearance would be
And then visualize it.

His eyes so dark yet a smile on his lips
And I wish if I could smile like him now
For, it’s the last chance for me to smile.
He has come to take me along
To guide and walk with me
To the next life I am to live.

I see my life waving her hands at me
I see her bidding farewell to me
The life I had lived till now,
The life that I dreamed, hoped
Wanted and had isn’t mine now.
It has bid farewell to me.

The live I lived had given her place
For the new companion to own.
His waiting finally comes to an end
He is in the room now, with me.
Helping me pack the memories,
to carry along as he holds my hand.

He has come to take me along and
He is called by the name Death.

Ripped Soul


I wish if i could split myself,my body,
my heart and my soul into two,
just like the reflections of me.
one for the one i love and
one for her who loves me.
i wish if this could come true
if i could exist in two yet unique
if i could be one and the same
in the ripped souls of my own.

it feels like nothing but hell to know
her love for me and to neglect.
it not just hurts but bleeds
it just hurts and bleeds to know
that some loves me,though known
that i am committed and not alone.

it hurts, bleeds, pains and finally kills
but i fear of standing this morbid state
i do not want to be killed by this pain
for my life is not yet fully lived...

I wish if i could split myself,my body,
my heart and my soul into two,

if i could exist in two yet unique
in the ripped souls of my own.

Why Suicides?

As usual, another bad news in the television news today, this time no medical ignorance,no terrorist attacks, no political wars and no other issues, this time the issue is the suicidal attempt of three higher secondary school students at my district, out of those only one survived.but why do these teenages decide to give up their lives, when they are yet to face real life( i admit, i am also a teen), i admit i have not faced any real problems in life except for those created by negligance or my own mistake.another thing is the death note they wrote down, they said no reason, except for the reason that no one is the reason for their death, and they three hail from finacially backward families, but that is not a reason to give up. .another thing is that, they are sympathetic.they have not forgotten to write to give their savings in their wallet for the needy. ( you may feel as if i am kidding here, but i am not, right now, i do not find any phrases to express, kindly forgive)

Why do people give up their life like this? why do they hesitate to face the problems in life? why do they give up this much easily? is this because we(inculding myself, the teens)are put on us the load of hopes? often cases has been reported where teens suicided failing to keep the hopes and dreams put on then. I Just cant understand why the so called adults, elders given to the teens that much of burden even when they are too young to face the challenges in life, i do agree, there is competition in the world, the world is extremely individualistic, we have to learn to live, and face the challenges, but dont we people have our right to live you younger lives as we like?

i too have failed to keep the dream and hope of my parents, i know, and i too have thought of giving up, suiciding and all, but thanks to the caring friends i own, thanks to their support, i am still alive, better than ever, hoping for a better future, though i now may not be an engineer as i and my parents wanted. i have none to curse for, my own negligence of the importance of academics led to my down fall, but still my friends backed me.. thank you guys, with out you all, i would not have been alive now.

between, i have beaten around the bush for enough now, but what i am trying to tell is the lack of frank and poen friendship these days, there exist none that one could trust these days.. the world has been that much contaminated now. i strongly believe, these suicidal counts would much low, and lesser, if the bond in family, in friends and everywhere else are strong enough to motivate, strong enough to back if there is any problem, if there is a strong relationship between two people, where there can be no secrets..

well, more points? comments are invited.

The Girl In The Bus

English exam was too boring for me. Did finish writing then in one and a half hour and then the teacher announced that i will be let out of the class by 12:30 only.and yeah, about the exam, did the drama part to the best of my ability and poetry part was worst.Nor did i know about the poems' contents, nor did i read the notes.thanks to my junior for giving me her notes to read.With out your book, poetry would have been even more tough for me. so as said, i had 1 hour spare time in the exam hall, i had my pencil and the question paper was printed at one side only. the vision of the girl in the bus came to my mind, and i noted down that visuals in the question paper. here it goes :

The Girl In The Bus

Dressed in red and white she entered
the bus, with a serene smile.
talking to her mate and then laughing'
i who watched went motionless,
In her looks i fell unconcious
the eyes crossed just for once
and the contact made
a glare of her eyes and mine..
a world of stories to tell in hers
but i could not read any
as i only saw sadness filled
in them, and not even tears.
but then heard the bell ringing
i got out and watched the bus
gliding away, with her.
that was only a mintues' admiration
of the angelic beauty she had.

it was 12:30 then, and i got out of the class room as well.aah well that was a day...

That was a Graveyard


that land that i pass by, every day, in the moring and in the evening, that shaded land.. that big trees and that fruits fallen on the road..i always wondered why no house was constructed there...why that place was secluded even when national highway was just 3 mins away...wondered and wondered.. but now only i understood the reason, that was a graveyard...

after the special class at college on yesterday, i was returning home and i opted to choose a different route yesterday.i took a longer path yesterday as i was talking to my girl friend over the fone and i didnt want to break the conversation,entering to home in quick time... so i opted for a different route and yeah, i have travelled through the same route before...

this route would lead me to the opposite side of land that i was saying...so as i walked, talking to my girl friend, i was looking around the road, as i wanted to slow down the speed of my walk...just wanting to continue to romantic talks over the phone..and my eyes fell on the land of my concern and for my wonder, i found four slabs placed there, one next to the other, i was dragged to have a closer look and i looked further, and found that it was four tombs build there.. very next to the road that i used to pass by, beneath the shade of that same big tree which sheds fruits on the road..

that was a shock to me, i never knew that it was a graveyard, never knew that i walked close to those tombs, took shelter beneath the shades of the same tree when it rained... never knew that souls rest there.. and now that the shock is gone, and now wanting to know who rests in peace there.. but i have no options to know, no one to ask...

I Love These Lines

Thus let me live unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie. - Alexander Pope.

When,finally,we reached the place,
we hardly knew why we were there. - Nissim Ezekiel
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