My Destiny

Thanks to my friend Vishnu K M for the title.Thanks to Rugma for pointing out the spelling mistakes.Thanks for the comment Rugma.. I corrected the mistake you pointed out now.
I wish, In this dazzling rain
my tears could evaporate..
If you could never see
The tears in my eyes
If you could never make out
The sadness that fills my heart
If you could just think and leave
That I didn’t love u with my soul…
If all my love for you could
Evaporate in this thundering rain
But everything just a dream
A prolonged day dream
My tears didn’t dry up
For the love I had for you was divine
And you never understood
Left alone in the rain,
I watched you moving away..
Happily and hastily
To reach the open hands
Of your new found lover
Tears rolled out of my eyes
Not for losing you, but since
You found a better lover,
A better companion than I ever was.
You turned back at once, saw my tears.
But you didn’t know the reason of my tears
For I was happy that you got a lover now
And for me, I got my destiny awaiting.

Random Thoughts

Do not know how the 10 days went.. 10 days of vacation and still cant a single day of it. Well what did I do on these holidays? Studied? Enjoyed? Worked? No I dint do anything. Spent the entire time online. Didn’t even celebrate onam...the only thing in mind is the get together at school and the one night stay and kiran’s house… the get together was awesome… did enjoy well… after that, reaching home a mood swing occurred.. Couldn’t find out the reason till now.. So onam was gone.. Woke up by 10 on that day... Wasn’t feeling the jive on… simply spent time, coming online chatting n all..

And now, the vacation is going to end... This is the last day... The last night of tension free sleep... tomorrow college is going to open… back to those busy days, assignments labs submissions… silly fights and arguments… canteen… oh my god.. exams going to start from day after tomorrow. Thought I will complete my studies during the holidays and the holidays just got over and I am still blank.. oh my god.. what am I going to write now? Electronics? Physics? Computer science? English? Malayalam? Ah.. do not know a single thing…

electronics… well.. k-map.. Boolean algebra.. digital electronics, analogue electronics, differential amplifier .. oh my god.. give me some support… what am I going to write in the analogue section? Physics? Nuclear physics, the bloody derivations.. oh well what’s the beginning of that derivation? Oh crap… forgot what’s the equation like? Optics? Communication? What’s modulation? What’s super heterodyne radio receiver? Oh my god… my book isn’t even complete... Where is the rough note? Oh... Come on.. think... where is the book?? Where is the reference text?? Computer science… java? Thank god there is no VB this time.. ahh.. where is that assignment paper? Where is that programme? Is the s capital or not? Is there a bracket or not?? Oh god… English.. who said that? Othello or Roderigo? Whose soliloquy is that? Othello’s? Iago’s? Who is the villain?which act? Which scene? What to annotate? Who wrote the Lamb? William Blake or William wordsworth? Or is it William Shakespeare? What is the comparition between god and the lamb?? Oh my god… btw how many Malayalam texts do I have? Where is the Photostat copies??

This is going to be a struggle for me.. need to start learning.. oh man.. how am I goin to handle this exams?? And that too two exams on a day… oh my god.. show me so ways…
What did I do in the holidays? Went out side, partied up, fought with girl friend. Ah well.. That was a great fight… never reached up to that limit… happy that it ended well at her mercy… what other things did I do? Chatted.. for what gain? Sat online.. what was the gain? Blogged.. For who? Who is going to read?? Just wasted 10 days… watched movies of no class.. just wasted the time there also…. Should have studied well.. oh my god.. whats the time like?? 9.20 pm? When am I going to start studying then? When am I going to call her then? Btw do I have enough balance in mobile?? Is the head phone in place??


Yo bro don’t bug me now.. )*#!(&#! Cant you see? I am doing my assignment in this computer… you can play come time later on… )_!&#!^( leave me alone you idiot… oh exams on head… the tension is building…

Let me do some thing.. let me take a break. an exam break from all these netting for a weeks time… let me try learning and memorize something for good… oh man.. need to face the English teachers again.. they may not have forgotten the heated arguments.. need to come up with good score.. and electronics… oh god. One is the head of the dept and the other is the class tutor.. low marks? Must have to give explanations of continues class bunks… and bad performance.. will have to take parents to college.. don’t want that to happen.. mom wont stand that… will me stabbed again… oh god… let me stop this netting and go.. let me start learning…
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My First Poem

used to write from my childhood itself.. but never had a copy of my writeups with me.. always used to scribble some four lines in the last page of the note book and finally forget that.. never took writing seriously.. but it was deepa teacher who made me write a poem in a serious manner.. still remember the topic she gave me to write, rain drops, and i was supposed to write that in malayalam.. managed to write one, but wasnt good... still remember some lines of that so called poem as,
നിറഞ്ഞു പെയ്യുന്ന മഴയില്‍, ഈ നിറമഴയില്
‍എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ തുള്ളികള്‍ അലിംജെനംഗില്
എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ നീ കാണാതിരുന്നെങ്കില്
‍പ്രിയ സഖി, എന്‍ ദുഖം നീ അറിയാതിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍...
ഈ മഴയില്‍ എന്‍ ദുഖവും നിന്നോടുള്ള സ്നേഹവും
അലിംജെനംഗില്... മാഞ്ഞു പോയെങ്കില്‍....
ധന്യമായെനെ എന്‍ ജന്മം..
എങ്കിലും എല്ലാം വെറും പ്രതീക്ഷകള്‍ മാത്രം
എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ തോര്‍ന്നില്ല, മഴയും നിന്നില്ല...
എന്‍ പ്രിയ തോഴിയാം നീയും നിന്നില്ല..
എകനായി നിന്നു ഞാന്‍ മാത്രം ആ മഴയില്‍
എന്‍ ദുഖം പെയ്തു തീരുന്നപോല്‍...
then after that the poem i wrote with my ful heart in it was my first english poem, titled dreaming death, which is the first post of this very blog... dreaming death was infact my mental state during that period of life, when everything seemed to be lost... but still i lived.. and will life till my life takes me... and after dreaming death, wrote soo many things, scribbles many lines in the last page of books.. but couldnt complete anything well..

ahh well.. lost the mood to write.. a phone call.. damn.. whose that now?? will continue later...

Random Thoughts

Seems like everything is lost once again...made my mom my loving mom cry once again for a silly reason… mom I am sorry.. didn’t mean to hurt you mom… just got on my nerves… but right now… I just feel like giving up my life… the bloody past of mine coming into mind.. I am a loser. A bloody big loser… spoiled all the dreams of my parents… put them in crisis always... always became the reason for their tears… just wonder why I am still living on the earth…I haven’t done anything good for them.. just bought them in sorrows bad name and financial crisis… but ammeee you mean this world to me.. I love you more than anything in this world… amme am sorry that I could never be the reason for your smile.. ammee sorry amme.. don’t know why I am like this… but amme I am sorry… sorry for everything… commit suicide? Well I am afraid.. and well I do not want to end up my life doing nothing.. I just want to live… live a life in hope of bringing a smile on my parents’ lips… god bless me to bring the smile on my moms face and curse me for making her cry.. but still mom I love you and you are the best mom in this world… amme I love… you mean this world to me.. a lot more than that to me…

The End is Indiscriminated

This one, may not be called as a poem though i tried to write one.. some 2-3 days back my friend rang me up and said she wanted my help and told me that i have to write a poem for her on the theme racial discrimination.. ahh... well... what a bloody topic i thought.. but still i should help that friend as i owe her a hell lot... and well i did take the trouble of quilling some lines.. well.. here i post it.. but me warned that it is not of the quality that a poem should minimally possess.. sorry friend.. couldn't do better than this :


The End is Indiscriminated

He is called as son or kid and
I am called as a boy
yet the blood in our vein is red.
We both, delivered after months of pain
And was alike till our births
Why after the birth this segregation
He as white and I as black...
Is that color that separates human hood?
He is superior and I am not
I am untouchable but
He reaps and feeds on what I sow.
He and I breathe the same air
Still I am black and he is white...

I a human and he a human
And still discriminated racially
Who did create the races?
What it I or was it he?
Yet before we open our eyes
To see this awesome world
We are ranked as boy and kid
I live the life of a slave
But he born with me,
With the same natural privilege,
Live the life of my master...

Who will put an end to this?
Will it be I or will it be he?
No... never... it wont be us
It will never be anybody
For all are afraid to break the rules
The rules of the uncultured past...
And if someone breaks the rules
The discrimination will reappear
In some way or the other way...
Yes this world will never change
For we can’t never accept the truth
That all are equal before the god...
Still we fight and kill...
Still we stay untouched and unheard
As if we rule the world...

But be warned of the mighty fact
All are equal before the Mighty God
We are born as humans with flush and bones
And we stay segregated and separated
But still be warned of the natural truth
Everything ends up as ashes and bones...
Though we live as boy and kid
As slave and master
The end is in discriminated
Yes indeed it is indiscriminated!!!
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