4

Remembering 2008

As i bid farewell to the year 2008, as i think about the past 12 months, a lot of memories flooding and i am finding it hard to pen them down now.An overflow of mixed emotions in mind about 2008. Yes, the year was one of mixed emotions for me, i had given me enough to laugh, even more enought o lament, a lot to memorise and cherish and a little so much to forget.. the year has taughtme new lessons in life, it has given me a lot many of new experiences...well let me try now.. what gave 2008 to me

no month my month date by date analysis, but still some months and dates to be remembered, february gave me time to be with my girlfriend, it gave me time to be me,and college was fine. march april and may were eaten up my the exams.. celebrated vishu with family, may be for the last time with the joint family, well that is for personal reasons.. and soon after vishu came the first years university exams and it kept me busy with my books, oh man that was hectic to be with books 24X7,managed as i had to and as i have a lot of hopes kept on me.

entered into the second year of college in june and july was of no fun. august was the same except for another visit to my girl friends' place..september was onam season and there was no fun...

october was funfilled with shijus engagement, visits to fiancee's place and enjoying a railway station date with my girlfriend.now dont wonder, it was so funny, she was going through my place from mumbai to back to her place and i agreed to meet her at kannur railway station.and what happened was, the train which was supposed to be at the station my 8 am on october 10th morning reached by 11.30 am on october 10th and i missed my class on that day.and how we talked was even more funny, she and i stood at 1 meter apart and called to her mobile and talked face to face, reasons were there for not talking face to face.that is about the station date.

in november nothing real happened except for another meeting with my girlfriend at her place, the visit to arts gallery there, in december writing exams and getting a complete 10 days break for christmas, another important thing happened was shailu's engagement, enjoyed the payasam of the feast.nothing much in december even. and now that ends the monthly analysis.

well what i learned and what i earned is a question to be answered now, or a question to be asked to myself.

i learned that life is to be lived alone, i learned that losing hope is not the way to live. living good means hoping good and receiving what ever lifes gives as such and enjoy every moment in life..i have learned that not all relations are kept close to heart, i learned that being me is not easy, learned that being committed is not an easy job as it seems but a good feeling to be in, to have someone to care for and someone to be with is a good feeling on earth, not discarding the love and care of my parents, ambilikutty, and other friends, all these have different meanings na?
i learned that hoping for the best is the best attitude to keep,learned that winning hearts is not easy.. i learned that i have a lot to learn again..

what i have earned is a bunch of new experiences, a bunch of new friends and a few betrayals, a lot of support and blessing and a lot a lot of memories..

what i have found new in life is a new inspiration, a new hope and a new aim to dream for..and in this year, another dream came true, my blog, Quilling In Blood first and Obnoxious Mind later and both now, my blog is my virtual existance, its a dream come true for me, and what my blog has given me is a new experience, that in the bloggers world, or the blogosphere, all are alive, no bar on age all are treated alike irresptive or all bars, i have always found support and encouragement from my co-bloggers..

2008 was a year of mixed emotions i said, it has given me sorrows even, some nasty quarrels with my loved ones, some fights still unsettled, some causeless arugments, some hearts broken for my odd behaviour, names to mention, the one fight i had was with sheetal, someone who loved me like a younger brother, someone who cared for me, someone who prayed for me to be good always, someone who made me feel what a elder sister's care is all about.. and why have i lost her? for my own mistake, for my own odd behavoiur, sorry sheetal, that was the worst period of time in my life.(i have mentioned the worst time in an earlier post).

hope the coming new year brings better things in my life, hope that i will have all problems solved and i hope the world will be in peace.
4

In Memory Of A Friend

In thou memories will i ever live
In thou thoughts awake i will ever be
Thee shall move away in course of time
But thy memories will ever remain

Its hard for thee to come back
but still i shall wait for thee
left thy life to the heaven
and thy memories still in hearts

and those will ever remain there.
dear, you still live in out hearts.



ps:friend-personified cat
7

Another Picture...

from my camera, not that good to share, but i love this pic, its my own eye, my own reflections in it, i love the pic.the picture is not subjected to any photoshop works, the clarity is not good as i had 2 zoom it beyond the optical zoom limit of the cam.

4

Those Good Old Days...

As i lived separated from the joint famliy with my mom dad and brother at payyanur, it was always fun for me to be at home for the holidays, with the bigggggg family and to enjoy the live.

As said, i lived with "my family" at payyanur before shifting to here in last march.Payyanur is the place with gave me a lot of memories, i grew up from there, all my childhood and the most of my teenage life had been spent there. i am attached to that land like anything, payyanur has given me that much of memories, that much of hopes and that much of sadness. i loved the life at payyanur, my friends, the library the temple visits, group hangouts, everything i just miss these days..i would say, payyanur is my home town, i know all the nuke and corner of payyanur,those cycling hours in the town has taught me almost all routes there... if ever again in my life i get a chance to be back at payyanur i would certainly be.. i love the land, i love that atmosphere.. those good (g)old(en) days would never be back...

Those school days, the pranks we played, the combined late night studies for the 10th std exams at school, those friendship we possessed, those enjoyment and entertainment we had, those debates in the english hour, those cricket matches in the ground,the intimacy we possessed, those naughty jokes and comments we shared,the healthy competition we had in exams, everything just in memories,
those good old days would never be back again..

the friendship we possessed lives still now, all other relationships merely proving to a materialistic one these days..i mean it, materialistic relationship..our friendship rock buddies, miss you all, know that good old days will not be back...

when i sit and think now,these memories make my eyes wet. those memories are gone for ever.. relationships like this much of fun,enjoyment, committment, openness, and sincerity will be hard to come by in the days to come.. the more we grow, the more we become selfish.. i am no exception in this, i too may become selfish at times.. but still these memories are always great to cherish, to be lived in the hart for long.. guys i miss you all..

some names to be remembered always, it doesnt mean that others are secondary, but still these people are special.
Ambili, my best friend, my sister, my kunjava, for being with me when i was down, for always hoping that i will do better the next time, for supporting me, for helping me relive the lost life.. for bearing, for understanding even the silence of mine, for coming to my life when i needed a better friend.though unseen yet, you are my besy friend ambili..

Shinoy, Shamily and Vishnu, for being with me, Shinu thank you for those laughing moments and exams written together.. Shamily, thank you for always backing me, for staying as a better friend even after school day, Vishnu, now what should i tell? this bloody idiot has been with me ever since i start memorising things, from class I to this day, this guy has been with me, my best buddy, some one who i can always ask for help..

Ashwin, Vaisakh, Kiran, Rinto, Baldev, Jithya, Arun, Soumya, Ganesh, Pradeep, Gayathri, Neethu, Mithunraj, Sudhin, Yadhu, Sandhya, Unni, Jithin, Manu, Arjun, Nisha, Dileep, Navya, Pallavi, Deepak.. and lot more people..

now on family, as i said, i used to live separated from my bigg famliyy..i used to pray for the holidays to come early, to get some 5-6-7 days leave so that i can be with the big family, aunts, uncles, granmas, the kids, it was fun to be with the family...

never missed the biggg family life when i was at payyanur, thanks to my friends, and yeah, each and every break time, i visit my big family.. to play with my brothers and sisters, to enjoy my life, to be with them to feel the love and care of uncles, to be playful and bugging with aunts..

i always used to have the big brother position, as i was the elder most one in the younger generation, used to have my word in the family,used to be that teasing kind for mom, bugging her with my pranks, those good old days also will not be back..

the celebrations, the onam celebration, the christmas celebration, the vishu celebration.. these were my days of enjoyment, as i could be home on all these days, enjoying my life with all those who i love, the parting day was always the most paining one for me..my mood would swing, my interests would fail, my eyes would sink... i lose the self of mine and that hang will be there for the next 2 days, and at once back to the mass of friends, everything is the same again... that sad feeling, that was , that was.. i love that, it was filled with hope, hope to be ack for the next holiday, memories, memories of those days i had with the family...the vishu break was the happiest break for me, as i would ahve 2 montsh break and out of those 2 months i used to spent more than one month at the big home.. and how the home acquainted these much of people is still a wonder, a room for each family,mom dad n the 2 siblings in the same room, how many of us can think of a life like that??

now that we all got separated and the big home hosts only 6 people, my uncle and his family and my aunty and granma, now when am i going
to have those good old days back?
past was beautiful, present is good, what about future?
13

All Alone... All Along... All Alone...

obnoxiousmind


All alone in my life i stand
All alone in my life i walk
All alone,deserted i live.
The love i have from all,
Another mask put on

All alone i stand and bear
All alone i live my life.
Your love a hope for me,
But proving to a mirage now.
All alone, all along, all alone..

Long for the love and
everyone seems busy.
Long for care and
masks put on.
all alone, all along, all alone
I live my life, unlamented.

Failed I, to know the fact,
that life is just like this
Forget I, the fact,
all alone i have to walk
all alone i have to bear
all alone i am to face
the world and the world.

All love a proven mirage,
Just a play of words and emotions
All alone i be in the live
i am to live unlamented.
10

Lead Kindly Light

One of my Favourite photos that i took using the standard digital camera..

8

The Companion

Sitting in the visitor’s room is him
The companion of darkness,
Who I often feared but not now.
He has come to take me along,
To guide and walk with me along,
Through the unknown paths of live.

He has come to walk with me,
Not through the live that I live now,
But through the isolated path of life
That is to come after my death.


His face unseen and voice unheard
Yet so powerful to make me walk
All along, all alone, all along.
As I was along, I would imagine
How his appearance would be
And then visualize it.

His eyes so dark yet a smile on his lips
And I wish if I could smile like him now
For, it’s the last chance for me to smile.
He has come to take me along
To guide and walk with me
To the next life I am to live.


I see my life waving her hands at me
I see her bidding farewell to me
The life I had lived till now,
The life that I dreamed, hoped
Wanted and had isn’t mine now.
It has bid farewell to me.

The live I lived had given her place
For the new companion to own.
His waiting finally comes to an end
He is in the room now, with me.
Helping me pack the memories,
to carry along as he holds my hand.


He has come to take me along and
He is called by the name Death.

Ripped Soul

obnoxiousmind


I wish if i could split myself,my body,
my heart and my soul into two,
just like the reflections of me.
one for the one i love and
one for her who loves me.
i wish if this could come true
if i could exist in two yet unique
if i could be one and the same
in the ripped souls of my own.

it feels like nothing but hell to know
her love for me and to neglect.
it not just hurts but bleeds
it just hurts and bleeds to know
that some loves me,though known
that i am committed and not alone.

it hurts, bleeds, pains and finally kills
but i fear of standing this morbid state
i do not want to be killed by this pain
for my life is not yet fully lived...

I wish if i could split myself,my body,
my heart and my soul into two,

if i could exist in two yet unique
in the ripped souls of my own.
9

Why Suicides?

As usual, another bad news in the television news today, this time no medical ignorance,no terrorist attacks, no political wars and no other issues, this time the issue is the suicidal attempt of three higher secondary school students at my district, out of those only one survived.but why do these teenages decide to give up their lives, when they are yet to face real life( i admit, i am also a teen), i admit i have not faced any real problems in life except for those created by negligance or my own mistake.another thing is the death note they wrote down, they said no reason, except for the reason that no one is the reason for their death, and they three hail from finacially backward families, but that is not a reason to give up. .another thing is that, they are sympathetic.they have not forgotten to write to give their savings in their wallet for the needy. ( you may feel as if i am kidding here, but i am not, right now, i do not find any phrases to express, kindly forgive)

Why do people give up their life like this? why do they hesitate to face the problems in life? why do they give up this much easily? is this because we(inculding myself, the teens)are put on us the load of hopes? often cases has been reported where teens suicided failing to keep the hopes and dreams put on then. I Just cant understand why the so called adults, elders given to the teens that much of burden even when they are too young to face the challenges in life, i do agree, there is competition in the world, the world is extremely individualistic, we have to learn to live, and face the challenges, but dont we people have our right to live you younger lives as we like?

i too have failed to keep the dream and hope of my parents, i know, and i too have thought of giving up, suiciding and all, but thanks to the caring friends i own, thanks to their support, i am still alive, better than ever, hoping for a better future, though i now may not be an engineer as i and my parents wanted. i have none to curse for, my own negligence of the importance of academics led to my down fall, but still my friends backed me.. thank you guys, with out you all, i would not have been alive now.

between, i have beaten around the bush for enough now, but what i am trying to tell is the lack of frank and poen friendship these days, there exist none that one could trust these days.. the world has been that much contaminated now. i strongly believe, these suicidal counts would much low, and lesser, if the bond in family, in friends and everywhere else are strong enough to motivate, strong enough to back if there is any problem, if there is a strong relationship between two people, where there can be no secrets..

well, more points? comments are invited.
0

The Girl In The Bus

English exam was too boring for me. Did finish writing then in one and a half hour and then the teacher announced that i will be let out of the class by 12:30 only.and yeah, about the exam, did the drama part to the best of my ability and poetry part was worst.Nor did i know about the poems' contents, nor did i read the notes.thanks to my junior for giving me her notes to read.With out your book, poetry would have been even more tough for me. so as said, i had 1 hour spare time in the exam hall, i had my pencil and the question paper was printed at one side only. the vision of the girl in the bus came to my mind, and i noted down that visuals in the question paper. here it goes :

The Girl In The Bus

Dressed in red and white she entered
the bus, with a serene smile.
talking to her mate and then laughing'
i who watched went motionless,
In her looks i fell unconcious
the eyes crossed just for once
and the contact made
a glare of her eyes and mine..
a world of stories to tell in hers
but i could not read any
as i only saw sadness filled
in them, and not even tears.
but then heard the bell ringing
i got out and watched the bus
gliding away, with her.
that was only a mintues' admiration
of the angelic beauty she had.

it was 12:30 then, and i got out of the class room as well.aah well that was a day...
2

That was a Graveyard

obnoxiousmind

that land that i pass by, every day, in the moring and in the evening, that shaded land.. that big trees and that fruits fallen on the road..i always wondered why no house was constructed there...why that place was secluded even when national highway was just 3 mins away...wondered and wondered.. but now only i understood the reason, that was a graveyard...

after the special class at college on yesterday, i was returning home and i opted to choose a different route yesterday.i took a longer path yesterday as i was talking to my girl friend over the fone and i didnt want to break the conversation,entering to home in quick time... so i opted for a different route and yeah, i have travelled through the same route before...

this route would lead me to the opposite side of land that i was saying...so as i walked, talking to my girl friend, i was looking around the road, as i wanted to slow down the speed of my walk...just wanting to continue to romantic talks over the phone..and my eyes fell on the land of my concern and for my wonder, i found four slabs placed there, one next to the other, i was dragged to have a closer look and i looked further, and found that it was four tombs build there.. very next to the road that i used to pass by, beneath the shade of that same big tree which sheds fruits on the road..

that was a shock to me, i never knew that it was a graveyard, never knew that i walked close to those tombs, took shelter beneath the shades of the same tree when it rained... never knew that souls rest there.. and now that the shock is gone, and now wanting to know who rests in peace there.. but i have no options to know, no one to ask...
2

I Love These Lines

Thus let me live unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie. - Alexander Pope.

When,finally,we reached the place,
we hardly knew why we were there. - Nissim Ezekiel
3

Contaminated Life

obnoxiousmind
Special thanks to a friend for the line she added. with out your help, this poem wouldnt have been completed.

In her attire tore,
lay she on the floor.
Weeping and crying "mother".
Her face covered in her hands,
shoulders down and eyes wet,
tears rolling down her cheeks,
covered in blood and sweat.
Her lips red, not of lipstick
but of bleeding blood..
A daughter she was

A sister she was and
a hope she was.
A virgin she was but not now.

Nothing left in her,but the life,
a contaminated life of her.
Yet she lived on earth,
suffering and bearing the pain.
White in the dawn and dark in the night,
smile in the morning and grin in the dusk,
the cohesion prostituted her.

Days went past,months went past...
And again a cry was heard "mother"
this time not from her,
but from the kid in her hand.
2

At The Art Gallery -Travel Tales

This time the spot of my romance was the arts gallery at Trivandrum. The paintings displayed there are awesome. There are two main divisions namely Sri Chithra Arts Gallery and K C S Panicker Gallery. The paintings on display are maintained well and descriptions about each and every picture was given in detail. I have been to the same arts gallery twice earlier. But this time I was more interested to see the paintings, and the reason well I am unknown.

This time I have figured out a new fact, do not know if its true or not, Raja Ravi Varma was a great painter I agree, and what I figured out in his paintings is that he is specialised in drawing eyes. Seriously, when you analyse any picture of Ravi Varma, the eyes are special. There is some sort of air and life in them. I felt as if the eyes were real and there is life in it and the most important and surprising thing I figured out is that the reflection of images in the eyes that Ravi Varma drew. In each and portrait he drew of persons, the most amazing feature I found out is the eyes. All eyes were different but had life in it, had reflections in it.

The display of Ravi Varma’s drawing stand also is an attraction there. Staffs are appointed to take care of visitors and guide them through. The painting “naked woman” is damn amazing, believe me or not, It caught my attention. But my girl who was with me was not allowing me to view that picture for long :P. Still I wonder how he drew that and if it was drawing without a model posing for him, that’s great then and if he had a model, the model girl was damn beautiful.

Certain other pictures that caught my eyes , do not know who painted them all, as there were painting from other painters also on display, are the paintings titled “Seetha Apaharanam” in which even the feathers of the bird was drawn with perfection, even the minute element of the feather is taken to its perfection. Another painting is the “Naughty Wind” where a woman is portrayed walking in the wind, and another painting is the one whose title I forgot which portrayed different dressing styles.

Another addition at the arts gallary is the mural painting section.as all know, in mural painting only natural colours are used and another feature is the dark colours used to paint.the mural paints often depict the pictures of gods and goddesses and they are mostly painted in colours like red,green,brown etc etc.. these paintings are ofter found at temples and other places of worship. certain paintings like this are displayed at the arts galary, which is indeed a treat to watch.

It was fun and romantic to see the paintings with my girl holding my hand and walking along with me, talking to her about the paintings, to see her smile, to see her walk, to hear her talk, to be with her, to care her to feel her care.. I just love the day..
2

Travel Tales

The summary of my trip.

My desire to visit my girl was on the high ever since my mood was lost. I wanted to be with her for some time and feel the care she has for me. and this dream of mine came true on this Friday and Saturday, we were together at her place, enjoying the romance within us.

I was supposed to visit Sree Vidyadhi Raja Vidhya Bhavan School at Kottayam to get the registration extract of mine and my trip was charted .I has my ticket reserved to Kottayam on 13th of November 2008 in Malabar express. That was an opportunity granted for me. Planned the entire program then. To finish my work at kottayam in no time and to leave to Trivandrum was my plan.And my mission at Kottayam was completed in no time and then happened the best incidents in my life, 8 hours with my girl in todays. It might seem for you, that just 8 hours, but believe me or not, it’s a very lengthy period of time for us. the distance between our place was well above 500 kms.
I am extremely thankful to Karthick, my friend who lend me his bi-cycle to go to the railways station to reserve my train ticket. Thanks to the Valapattanam Railway Station Master, what so ever his name is, for giving me the reserved ticket though I reached there after 5 PM. With out Mithun’s MP3 player I would have been bored in the trip, thanks to him for giving me that player with fully charged battery. I own my gratitude to Smitha aunty who gave me her Sony Ericsson mobile to take with me. Thanks to the cabin crew of Malabar Express, who delayed the train by 40 mins which made my stay at kottayam to happen for a lesser amout of time. Other wise I would have been bored. My sincere thanks to the principal of SVVB School who gave me the document in no time.

I set off from home on 13th evening 7.30 PM, thanks to Hariyettan who dropped me at the bus bay.then boarded the train my 9.15,S2-23 was the sear allotted to me and the there was a mess related to seating in the train and then I was given a new seat, S2-25.The train moved on and on and reached Kottayam by 5.30 AM, 40 mins late.Then had a coffee from there, burned my tongue. Then went out of the platform and bought the newspapers and sat at the seat near to the ticket counter and read newspaper. Feeling hungry went out of the station and took breakfast. Brushing was done from the train itself.by 8.50 AM went to school in an auto and met the principal and gave him the covering letter that I had with me. Then the procedures there was finished in less than one hour.

Reached back to Kottayaam Railway Station by 9.45 AM and the got my ticket to trivandrum central in Kerala Express,paid Rs.57 in the counter. And again the train was late by 20 mins. And my journey started. To my bad luck I entered in to the sleeper class compartment and was later fined Rs.320 to travelling in it using a general compartment ticket. Reaching Trivandrum called my girl and set off to meet her. On the way visited the ATM counter and took money, gave up carrying money with me since the last trip to Trivandrum as my pocket was picked then.

Got into an auto and went to baker’s junction, Trivandrum, then met my girl and friend there, had my lunch with her and the set off from there to some places. I was damn so happy to be with her, to talk to her and to feel her care and the same was her condition. But by 3.30 PM she had to leave. My stay at TVM was arranged by my girl at her friend’s home and he came to pick me up and then that day ended there. On the next day, set off with my girl to places, enjoyed the time with her and by 4,00 PM reached Thampanoor Bus Station, booked my ticket to Kannur and reached back home on 16th November, 7.30 AM.
4

Why Passive ??

Yeah i know and i remember an article is to be posted on sexual education.. been trying to write that article,infact been trying to complete that article.. just managed to write some two three lines so far.. been busy with life's issue..been busy with the works of college magazine.. been back to my obnoxious mindset, been abnormal these days.. just cant figure out what is happening..

the mood swing has been here with me for long now..been down with general health too and the official issues have been eating up my head.. the correction in date of birth has to be done..and its procedures are..oh..man! better not explain...been trying to get all the necessary documents..and now i have to go to kottayam.. and another trouble also has entered my life.. attendence shortage at college...the mood swing seem to take a lot from me.my mood to sit and study is spoiled now..

and the relationship with my girl friend has always been best and now its better..just feel good to be with her over the phone.. and now the kottayam tripo is showing me an oppertunity to go to her place and have a walk with her hands in hands... this month and the 2nd half of the previous has taken a hell lot of time out of me. i had been kept busy doing nothing.. and my desire to write something new was and still is on the high.. but i am failing to figure out new topics... i have lost my mind somewhere in the midst. i think academics is on my head now.. feel as if the fear is now building.. was doing better last year and this year, academics also was not that much of good fo me.. the first year results are going to be out in the near future and its tension also is there..

and another bad memory has started to haunt me once again.. the memories of the lost past started hauting again.. the 12th results of mine was the worse one could ever have.. towering the 90s in 10th and then fall to th 60s in 12th is a nightmare.. no one to blame though.. that memories still hauting..but the first year at college was better.. my concentration in academics was on the peak.. and this year.. i feel as if i am not working hard.. just cant figure out whats going wrong and wheres going wrong...

hoping for a typical mood swing now.. hoping forward to visit my girl and and return and then to start working hard on academicss.. and my venture to keep this blog rolling will always be there... after all this gives me an identity on the internet.. the feedbacks for the blog has been good soo far.. thanks to rugma.. she has been a regular visitor and a commentator.. but still i lack quality feed backs and blog traffic, may be because the blog is still a normal one.. may me i am not posting something different and unusual..

why passive? is the question that i have been asking myself for long.. why am i ending up with no answers? ahh.. i still dont have any answer !!
3

Hurt !! But Got Over !!

You may be wondering,whay i did this post..i am also in a delirium,why i posted this.may be because i did want people to know such activities occur in our society,anywhere anytime and let unheard and untold only because of being haunted later on.

This is a personal experience of mine. But I do not know how well I am going to tell this incident to you, nor do I know if you are going to believe this or not. This is the incident of meeting a homosexual, I mean it, a homosexual, in the very same home town of mine, Payyanur.

This incidence happened way back in 2005, I do not remember the day n month, but it was a Wednesday, I remember that it was a Wednesday because I remember the uniform I put on, my white and white school uniform. Ok well. Let me come to the point. It was on that Wednesday that this incidence occurred. As usual I was on my way to school. The bus that I usually go to school was at the bus-stand and I boarded it, say in my usual seat. But Sooraj (namboori) who used 2 come by the same bus was not in the bus that day. The bus would leave the bus-stand by 8.05 am and I was in the bus by 7.55 am or so. Then by 8.00 am a man, a normal looking common man, who I guessed as a day labourer came and sat next to me. He then asked me the time and I told him. Then he said that he wanted to see if someone is coming to board the bus. As natural, I thought that he would be looking for his co-workers. Then started the whole issue. I had my bag with me, and then I had some books in a separate carry bag, including my record with me. I had kept both my bag and the carry bag on my lap. As I told, the stranger wanted to see if someone is coming and boarding the bus. So naturally he was looking out through the window of the bus and his palm was placed on my bag. It didn’t sound unusual to me.

After some seconds, he again wanted to peep through the window. I allowed him to look through the window as I thought he was looking for his co-worker. But this time, things started going in the wrong way. I felt some weights being put on to my laps and then I looked down on to my lap and I found his palm on my books, supporting his body as he was looking out of the windows. I just looked at him and he then withdrew. And then he started conversing with me. He asked me if I was in the college. Didn’t that sound a lil weird? Anyhow I felt so. I said am not in a college, but in school, Kendriya Vidyalaya. He should have recognised it form my uniform. And then again he started peeping out of the window, but this time the weight on my lap was much more and I found his hands scrolling through my bag. I felt damn bad. But couldn’t speak for a while. But then gave him a gaze. What you call that? An angry eye to one person? Anyways he retarded.

And again the same thing happened, he started gazing out, but this time it was just a mere act and this time I was feeling his hands crouching down my bag, reaching to my carry bag and sliding my bag and the carry bag to a side. His weight was being transferred on to me n I was trying to shake his body from my body. But while trying that, I knew or I realised that his hands had reached up to the zip of my pant. Do not know from where I got the courage, my hand fell on his face. That was a powerful shot. I didn’t know what happened then as I was in a shock. Just saw that man covering his face with his towel and saw his towel covered in blood. Then only I realised that it was an attempt to fulfil his needs on me. Then only I realised that I was going to be a victim of sexual abuse. But when thanks to god, I was able to get rid of being abused.

Couldn’t sleep well for some weeks after this incident. Every time I close my eyes and fell asleep, I was seeing his hands crouching down my body... I was seeing bloody hell in my dreams... How did I manage to get out of that nightmare? I do not know even now, but still the incident is in my mind, itched in blood.

The only person I told this incident was my best friend and I told her not like this, I told her like a mere comic incident and she laughed loud on it and so did it. Thanks to her, I didn’t think it over again and again, though that nightmare haunted me for long and still haunts me at certain nights.

Thanks to my parents and aarogyamasika, I was given proper sexual education and that only helped me to react I guess. Had I never been given the education, what would have been the scenario?

Just these questions to ask. How many kids get abused like this or in the other ways? Isn’t there an end to this??

The Expence Diary

Morning

Walk to bus stop = 0.00 Rs
In Bus Puthiyatheru to Taliparamba = 1.50 Rs
(In Bus)
SMS forwarded to friends =20.00 Rs (although it was free)
SMS forwarded to friends =15.00 Rs (although it was free)
Reached Taliparamba
Call Friend =4.50 Rs (1.50rs * 3 mins)
Bought Strepsils = 10.00 Rs (2 Rs * 5 strips)
In Bus Taliparamba to College=1.00 Re


In College

Canteen =5.00 Rs
Lunch time =11.00 Rs
Sweets = 3.00 Rs
Grape juice= 6.00 Rs

Evening

College to Taliparamba = 1.00 Re
Friends ticket = .50 Re
Taliparamba to Puthiyatheru =2.00 rs ( had no change .50 Re lost)


Puthiyatheru

Geetha restaurant
Pineapple Juice = 15.00 Rs
Cream Bun=6.00 Rs (3 Rs * 2 nos )

Telephone booth
Call a friend =15.00 Rs
Recharge mobile = 30.00 Rs

Walk to home
Ground nuts =5.00 Rs
Lime juice =4.00 Rs

Back at home

Call a friend = .70 Rs (7 mins * 10 ps)
Call a friend = 2.30 Rs
Call Girlfriend=1.00 Rs

Night calls

Call a friend = 4.00 Rs (4min * 1 rs)
Call girlfriend=12.10 Rs ( 121 mins * 10 ps )

Grant total for a single day = 175.60

Money allotted from Home = 1000 Rs

Mobile Recharge = 350 Rs( exceeds 600 Rs)
Food and Other expences = 450 Rs
Bus fair = 150 Rs
Pocket money = 50 Rs

Expense as per calculations = 175.60* 20 days = 3512( sat and sun says are off)
Debt = 3512-1000 =2512

Equating the income and expenditure for one month,
Recharge of 30 Rs, my girl does for me. So my 350 + her 30*10, equals 650 Rs
Bunks lunch at times, bunks the juices at days. Saves some 21*15 = 315 Rs
The rest, as god my friends help..

Violin Strings

Another beginning.. it was about to begin...another argument with my dearest girl...but this time, i didn't want that to happen..kept my mouth shut and words unsaid.. dear girl, just know this, your happiness mean this world to me, infact a lot more than that to me...what ever happens, believe me, we are not going to be parted.

Better not play the violin
If the strings are going to break
But I will play the violin on
I care not for the strings broken.

Let my violin strings break
Let the concord break and
Let the discord play
Let the notes be “not”s
And let the violin play.
Let the violin strings break

And then I have my veins to change.
Let the violin play on my veins
Let the music flow and play
Let the music go on and on
Till there is blood in my veins,
Till there is life in me.

Let the concord never be broken
Till my soul rests in me
Let the heavenly music go and on
Till the break of vein and heart.

Let the violin play
Let the music go
Let my love for you to live
Let my love for you to live

Let the past bother me not
Let the present bother me not
Let the future bother me not
Let my love for you to live
For the fact that I know you well
And that you know me well…

Let the violin play
Let the music go
Let my love for you to live
Let my love for you to live

And I know that it will live
My love for you will live
And we will live for love
Sharing all our love and care
Then our violins will play
Not along but in choros.

The love we share is true
Our love will live for long
The violin will play the music
The music with no broken notes
The music with a concord,
The concord of our hearts.

My Destiny

Thanks to my friend Vishnu K M for the title.Thanks to Rugma for pointing out the spelling mistakes.Thanks for the comment Rugma.. I corrected the mistake you pointed out now.
I wish, In this dazzling rain
my tears could evaporate..
If you could never see
The tears in my eyes
If you could never make out
The sadness that fills my heart
If you could just think and leave
That I didn’t love u with my soul…
If all my love for you could
Evaporate in this thundering rain
But everything just a dream
A prolonged day dream
My tears didn’t dry up
For the love I had for you was divine
And you never understood
Left alone in the rain,
I watched you moving away..
Happily and hastily
To reach the open hands
Of your new found lover
Tears rolled out of my eyes
Not for losing you, but since
You found a better lover,
A better companion than I ever was.
You turned back at once, saw my tears.
But you didn’t know the reason of my tears
For I was happy that you got a lover now
And for me, I got my destiny awaiting.

Random Thoughts

Do not know how the 10 days went.. 10 days of vacation and still cant a single day of it. Well what did I do on these holidays? Studied? Enjoyed? Worked? No I dint do anything. Spent the entire time online. Didn’t even celebrate onam...the only thing in mind is the get together at school and the one night stay and kiran’s house… the get together was awesome… did enjoy well… after that, reaching home a mood swing occurred.. Couldn’t find out the reason till now.. So onam was gone.. Woke up by 10 on that day... Wasn’t feeling the jive on… simply spent time, coming online chatting n all..

And now, the vacation is going to end... This is the last day... The last night of tension free sleep... tomorrow college is going to open… back to those busy days, assignments labs submissions… silly fights and arguments… canteen… oh my god.. exams going to start from day after tomorrow. Thought I will complete my studies during the holidays and the holidays just got over and I am still blank.. oh my god.. what am I going to write now? Electronics? Physics? Computer science? English? Malayalam? Ah.. do not know a single thing…

electronics… well.. k-map.. Boolean algebra.. digital electronics, analogue electronics, differential amplifier .. oh my god.. give me some support… what am I going to write in the analogue section? Physics? Nuclear physics, the bloody derivations.. oh well what’s the beginning of that derivation? Oh crap… forgot what’s the equation like? Optics? Communication? What’s modulation? What’s super heterodyne radio receiver? Oh my god… my book isn’t even complete... Where is the rough note? Oh... Come on.. think... where is the book?? Where is the reference text?? Computer science… java? Thank god there is no VB this time.. ahh.. where is that assignment paper? Where is that programme? Is the s capital or not? Is there a bracket or not?? Oh god… English.. who said that? Othello or Roderigo? Whose soliloquy is that? Othello’s? Iago’s? Who is the villain?which act? Which scene? What to annotate? Who wrote the Lamb? William Blake or William wordsworth? Or is it William Shakespeare? What is the comparition between god and the lamb?? Oh my god… btw how many Malayalam texts do I have? Where is the Photostat copies??

This is going to be a struggle for me.. need to start learning.. oh man.. how am I goin to handle this exams?? And that too two exams on a day… oh my god.. show me so ways…
What did I do in the holidays? Went out side, partied up, fought with girl friend. Ah well.. That was a great fight… never reached up to that limit… happy that it ended well at her mercy… what other things did I do? Chatted.. for what gain? Sat online.. what was the gain? Blogged.. For who? Who is going to read?? Just wasted 10 days… watched movies of no class.. just wasted the time there also…. Should have studied well.. oh my god.. whats the time like?? 9.20 pm? When am I going to start studying then? When am I going to call her then? Btw do I have enough balance in mobile?? Is the head phone in place??


Yo bro don’t bug me now.. )*#!(&#! Cant you see? I am doing my assignment in this computer… you can play come time later on… )_!&#!^( leave me alone you idiot… oh exams on head… the tension is building…

Let me do some thing.. let me take a break. an exam break from all these netting for a weeks time… let me try learning and memorize something for good… oh man.. need to face the English teachers again.. they may not have forgotten the heated arguments.. need to come up with good score.. and electronics… oh god. One is the head of the dept and the other is the class tutor.. low marks? Must have to give explanations of continues class bunks… and bad performance.. will have to take parents to college.. don’t want that to happen.. mom wont stand that… will me stabbed again… oh god… let me stop this netting and go.. let me start learning…
0

My First Poem

used to write from my childhood itself.. but never had a copy of my writeups with me.. always used to scribble some four lines in the last page of the note book and finally forget that.. never took writing seriously.. but it was deepa teacher who made me write a poem in a serious manner.. still remember the topic she gave me to write, rain drops, and i was supposed to write that in malayalam.. managed to write one, but wasnt good... still remember some lines of that so called poem as,
നിറഞ്ഞു പെയ്യുന്ന മഴയില്‍, ഈ നിറമഴയില്
‍എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ തുള്ളികള്‍ അലിംജെനംഗില്
എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ നീ കാണാതിരുന്നെങ്കില്
‍പ്രിയ സഖി, എന്‍ ദുഖം നീ അറിയാതിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍...
ഈ മഴയില്‍ എന്‍ ദുഖവും നിന്നോടുള്ള സ്നേഹവും
അലിംജെനംഗില്... മാഞ്ഞു പോയെങ്കില്‍....
ധന്യമായെനെ എന്‍ ജന്മം..
എങ്കിലും എല്ലാം വെറും പ്രതീക്ഷകള്‍ മാത്രം
എന്‍ കണ്ണുനീര്‍ തോര്‍ന്നില്ല, മഴയും നിന്നില്ല...
എന്‍ പ്രിയ തോഴിയാം നീയും നിന്നില്ല..
എകനായി നിന്നു ഞാന്‍ മാത്രം ആ മഴയില്‍
എന്‍ ദുഖം പെയ്തു തീരുന്നപോല്‍...
then after that the poem i wrote with my ful heart in it was my first english poem, titled dreaming death, which is the first post of this very blog... dreaming death was infact my mental state during that period of life, when everything seemed to be lost... but still i lived.. and will life till my life takes me... and after dreaming death, wrote soo many things, scribbles many lines in the last page of books.. but couldnt complete anything well..

ahh well.. lost the mood to write.. a phone call.. damn.. whose that now?? will continue later...

Random Thoughts

Seems like everything is lost once again...made my mom my loving mom cry once again for a silly reason… mom I am sorry.. didn’t mean to hurt you mom… just got on my nerves… but right now… I just feel like giving up my life… the bloody past of mine coming into mind.. I am a loser. A bloody big loser… spoiled all the dreams of my parents… put them in crisis always... always became the reason for their tears… just wonder why I am still living on the earth…I haven’t done anything good for them.. just bought them in sorrows bad name and financial crisis… but ammeee you mean this world to me.. I love you more than anything in this world… amme am sorry that I could never be the reason for your smile.. ammee sorry amme.. don’t know why I am like this… but amme I am sorry… sorry for everything… commit suicide? Well I am afraid.. and well I do not want to end up my life doing nothing.. I just want to live… live a life in hope of bringing a smile on my parents’ lips… god bless me to bring the smile on my moms face and curse me for making her cry.. but still mom I love you and you are the best mom in this world… amme I love… you mean this world to me.. a lot more than that to me…

The End is Indiscriminated

This one, may not be called as a poem though i tried to write one.. some 2-3 days back my friend rang me up and said she wanted my help and told me that i have to write a poem for her on the theme racial discrimination.. ahh... well... what a bloody topic i thought.. but still i should help that friend as i owe her a hell lot... and well i did take the trouble of quilling some lines.. well.. here i post it.. but me warned that it is not of the quality that a poem should minimally possess.. sorry friend.. couldn't do better than this :


The End is Indiscriminated

He is called as son or kid and
I am called as a boy
yet the blood in our vein is red.
We both, delivered after months of pain
And was alike till our births
Why after the birth this segregation
He as white and I as black...
Is that color that separates human hood?
He is superior and I am not
I am untouchable but
He reaps and feeds on what I sow.
He and I breathe the same air
Still I am black and he is white...

I a human and he a human
And still discriminated racially
Who did create the races?
What it I or was it he?
Yet before we open our eyes
To see this awesome world
We are ranked as boy and kid
I live the life of a slave
But he born with me,
With the same natural privilege,
Live the life of my master...

Who will put an end to this?
Will it be I or will it be he?
No... never... it wont be us
It will never be anybody
For all are afraid to break the rules
The rules of the uncultured past...
And if someone breaks the rules
The discrimination will reappear
In some way or the other way...
Yes this world will never change
For we can’t never accept the truth
That all are equal before the god...
Still we fight and kill...
Still we stay untouched and unheard
As if we rule the world...

But be warned of the mighty fact
All are equal before the Mighty God
We are born as humans with flush and bones
And we stay segregated and separated
But still be warned of the natural truth
Everything ends up as ashes and bones...
Though we live as boy and kid
As slave and master
The end is in discriminated
Yes indeed it is indiscriminated!!!
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Unlicensed Love

Found this poem on the internet.. just loved the lines... this one is for my girl... dear i love you soo much... never leave me alone and be with me always and forver.. love you like any thing...
Unlicensed Love

On a summer's day long long ago,
I fell in love and I'll never know
Just what it was that made me feel
So drawn to her, what the appeal
That set my pulses so to race
When e'er I gazed upon that face
Of one who was scarce but a child
Yet even then could drive me wild
I'll never know the how's and why's
I lost my heart to Hazel Eyes
But when I got that long sought kiss
I knew I'd found my Perfect Miss
My elfin girl from down the lane
And I'll never let her go again...

For how could I describe our love?
Romantic love, all hearts and flowers
No way to count the days and hours
Spent in self-indulgent wishes
And thoughts of long awaited kisses
Of sweet embraces, tender sighs
And gazing into love filled eyes
Oh yes, it is that kind of love...

Or, is it yet the love of passion
The ecstasy that knows no ration
That shuddering nerve-tingling feeling
The climax with your senses reeling
The wondrous joy when you discover
That sweet surrender to your lover
Oh yes, it's that kind of love too...

Or even yet a love that grows
One that cares and one that knows
That sees beyond the outer skin
Into the person deep within
That loves the spirit and the soul
The inner self that makes the whole
Built on trust and empathy
A love you know was meant to be...

The love we share is all these things
A love that has no need of rings
A love you never need to doubt
A love I cannot live without
A love to last us all our days
A love I'll share with you always...

- Jim Sharman -

A day's life... ah.. well !! that's a day...

Home - -

05:00am - Wake up/roll aruond a bit till 5:10
- Wash ups
- change for half an hour
06.00 - hits the books...half asleep
07:30 - off to the bus stop, talking over the phone
07:45 - wait for Baniyas
08:00 - in Baniyas bus (ticket: 1.50 concession pass)
- sit or stand for 30 minutes

08:30 - taliparamba bus-stand –
- wait for friends to join – some might come – some might not – stand till 9.10

09:10 - Sree Durga bus at stand.
- waiting….
- still waiting.. for the passenger to get down
- rush… rush…rush… in the back seat of Durga
- in durga for 15 mins..
- walk to college.. chatting with friends… - socialize
09:30 - enter college campus…
- curse the home works and work loads..
- Socialise
09:35 - Class room ….
- hey linz wazzup? He will be there waiting for others to come….
09:37 - to the make up room…
- face wash….
- up stairs.. water filter.. drink water.. back to class
09:40 - back in class
09:41 - standing in the courtyard.. commenting and chatting..
09:55 - first bell… enter class room…
10.00 - hareendran sir in class –drama hour-
- attendance.. numbers… call 26 loudly…
10:05 - drama starts…
10:15 - checks time.. its boring..
10:35 - yawn and blink.. talk to linz
11:00 - bell !! sir says see you .. off to canteen
11:05 - language hour.. phy students in class.. again cry 26..
11:10 - questions.. asking hamsa the meaning of words.. thank god no q to me
11:35 - class starts.. back bench boys say game on.. disrupts the class. Teacher continues
12:00 - bell !! in comes phy teacher.. interesting hour.
12:25 - hungry…sleepy.. yawn and blink.. caught.. out of class.. face wash and back to class
- still yawning
01:00 - bell !! lunch time.. no lunch for me..
- walks in class.. call my girl…
01:15 - up stairs.. water filter.. check for girls..back to courtyard

01:45 - bell !! electronics hour.. Praveen sir in class
- explanation for prev. class’ absence
- advice and casual talks
- attendance chill out no twwen’tyyyyy siiiiieeexxxxxxx….
02:00 - class starts… oh boring.. feels sleepy..
- still managing to listen..
- talk to linz..
- see what other people are doing
02:45 - english period
- attendance
- her dialogues and questions
- bored.. dreaming of her… omg!! Question comes.. answers pretty well.. thanks - for the open note book..
- teacher teaches.. I sleep on the desk..
03:35 - laugh.. sleep disturbed.. rubs my eyes and listens..
- last 10 mins
03:45 - bell !! teacher out of class.. pack up…
- feels tired
- walks out of class
- wait for rahul and linz and mithun… walk to bus stop
04:00 - bus stop… check girls
04:15 - fight to get into bus… reach taliparamba
04:30 - go home...

- - Home - -

- eat food
- watch tv
- Finish hmk
- sit's in front of book for some more time
- Watch tv.. swap channels while dining
- check email
- chat.. orkut… yahoo…
10:30 - editing orkut profiles
11:15 - lights off… upstairs.. in room… call her.. talk…
12:30 - put the fone down.. pray…rewind the entire day..
- sleep.. dream…

~~ back to start again ~~
reloading.....

My first Crush, An Anecdote

My first crush to a girl happened when I was in class 7, that’s t the age of 13-14.i never talked a girl with much freedom till that very one sided affair. All my friends were aware of the affair and so was the girl, in fact the girl came to know about the affair after some 5-6 months, that too by our school truck driver, who overheard the conversation I had with a close friend of mine, and well, after that incident “the so called my crush” didn’t talk to me, nor did I have the courage to talk to her and face, and that affair ended there.
Now what happened during the period of affairs is that what’s interesting. I was never conscious of how I looked, but at once the one sided started for me, I changed my style of hair, gave it a new look and well, a total changed occurred in my character. And well, I became more conscious of my dressing and behavior too. But after the incident, that the girl came to know about this affair, I was totally dejected and down, as everyone would be I guess, and my teachers, especially ambika ma’m and jalaja ma’m noticed the change in me and kept on questioning on it, but I did keep my mouth shut. And in the next year, I shifted to a new school and so did the girl. By the way, we used to have a lil of phone calls during the affair period and I guess she never knew that I had a crush on her. And gradually these phone calls too ended.
In class 8, I shifted to a new school and so did the girl. And after 2 more years, I was getting frequent missed calls at my home no. and once I called back and that girl was on the other end. We talked for some time and put the phone down. After that incident, that girl was back in my life, as a great friend, still in touch, with a lot of phone calls, a lot of smses and missed call, a lot of chatting sessions and all. And now we make fun of each other saying about the old crush and have a huge laugh. I now thank that very friend of mine, for helping me to change from the shy character I had, for making me a better friend with a better ability to understand friends.
When I sit and relax now, thinking over the past, the best period in my life is my school ages, with a lot of friends, first crush and good academic profile, a total success in all ways, with nothing to regret for.That girl's name huh?? sorry pals, you gotta wait more.
Correction from the girl's side :
A copy of this article was mailed to that girl after publishing this here in my blog and she said me a correction. the correction is that, she came to know about my crush on her by our juniors and not by the truck driver.. thanks dear, for sharing this point right now.
0

The Human

He was a Toy Maker and
he did make a toy that day.
The toy of a mighty soldier
The arsenel of his toy was empty,
and he was bare-handed and naked footed
The Maker gave him life and strength
The toy was no more a toy but a living Human.

He had the Shields and Aresenel with him
but the arsenel was empty.
He filled his arsenel with love and care
But he couln't give it to anyone.
He went in search of a love
His heart was empty and mind was blank
On his way, he did find a stranger.
the stranger was a girl og youth.
She was looking good for him
His heart was filled with her thoughts
His mind full of her dreams.
But she left as a blistering wave.

He went in search of her again.
He found her in the deserted corner of the town
He asked for her love, He requested
her and welcomed her to his life
she came into his life, filled
his heart and now his arsenel was empty again,
For he gave all his love to her.
She came in, loved him and
made him complete, a complete HUMAN
0

Feelings, the poem i gifted my girl on our first meet, hand scribbled

This poem is the very out flow of my emotions and thoughts, when i was on my trip to meet my girl, my sweet heart, staying around 550kms away from me and this poem might make you feel that it needs to be censored for the language i used, but i think it need not be, since its my emotional outbreak and my feelings for my girl..

Those late night calls and talks,
those romantic deeds and needs,
those virtual hugs and kisses and
the special dreams of sharing and caring
sweet heart ,all these thoughts flooding on to me,
make me feel you deep inside me.


staying far and longing for a view,
longing for a vision of you,
a feeling of you yet to touch my real senses
all my senses wanting and waiting to feel you
I want to feel you,
come on and make me feel you
the warmth of your exhaled air
the smoothness of your lovely chin and
the salty taste of your sweat
come on and make me feel u .


longing to touch your cherry lips
wanting to feel your presence
waiting so long for you to come
waiting ,wanting and longing to feel you
I feel my senses wanting to feel you
I feel my hands searching for your lips,
my eyes wanting to catch your face,
my heart beating for you for long ..


I am dreaming to feel the warmth of your hug.
my soul waiting to be with yours
my body thriving to feel your love
how long need I have to wait?
how long will you stay away?
be mine and make me yours
lets be one in two
my senses waiting and waiting….
for u to lean on me
to feel the unfelt feelings from now
come on and make me feel u....
0

Lost Dreams

It was years before that he met her
Eyes in eyes, hands in hands
They walked through the alpine shades
His dreams filled with her thoughts
Letter exchanged, words unsaid
And dreams unshared
Yet they felt the love in their hearts.
A walk in the sizzling rain
Hours spent together with silence between them
Yet their eyes speaking for them
That was the love of older days.
Years went past everyone
Changes were seen all along
The “he” was no more, nor is the “she”
It’s I who exist now.

As usual did I woke up that day
As usual did I turn my computer on
I did find someone new
Appealing and looking good
I scrapped her a “hi” and
In reply cam e a “hello” to me
And indeed there started a relation
She was unknown, unseen and unheard
Still I was feeling the unfelt feelings
I knew I was falling in love

On a starry night, hugging my pillow and dreaming
Her beautiful face and lovely chin
Her swift long hair and twinkling eyes
All in my dreams..
I heard my phone rigning.
Yes, my dream was broken then
Losing my sleep, I sat reclined to my bed post.
Thinking about her
Her love and care had carried me
Through some hard times.
But she was unknown, unseen and unheard.

I took my quill and wrote
My words for her in a parch of paper.
I called it “my first poem”
I put it deep in my bookshelf
Years went past again and again.
On a morning, I lay awake in my bed
Feeling the warmth of the glazing sun
I heard my phone ringing again
Indeed I attended that call.
I felt my emotions rising.
My heart beating louder and louder.
I lay down in my bed, lost in thoughts
I now knew that “she” was a “he”
With a heavy heart, I opened my bookshelf
Searched for my first poem
I did find it deep inside the shelf.
I searched for my quill and
Found it with a broken tip
I searched for ink in vein
I cut my wrist and quilled in blood
“She” was a he and he was a cheat.
All my dreams ruined,
All my love wasted and
My heart broken
Disguised in a girls’ portrait
He was a cheat who broke my heart..

A change is always good to see
But not in the meaning of words.
The word lobe is pure and divine
And you know what it means.
Earlier love meant care and share
But now it meant just apass of time
The change you see is good for none
For it make feelings meaningless.
0

Best Friends

You entered my life with an uncertainty
Of whether to become my friend or not
Then u became my friend
Days passed months ended and years faded
Now you are my best friend
You are my sweet heart
You are the one that I am living for.
You walked beside me when I was alone
Your spread happiness in my mind when I was sad
You became my heart beat when I lost mine
Oh dear with out you life would have been different
But never this much good

You are special to me in your own way
And you are the one who loves me the most
Be yourself is what you told me
When I lost my heart in love
You never told that you love me
So did I never
But you were with me and
You said it with heart that you love me
I know, you love me more than I do love you.
you are my best friend in life
and you will be the only one in my life.
0

A Back Note to My School Life... Class 11......

Its one year since I have joined kendriya vidyalaya payyanur. So, I decided to share my experience with my friends right down here. It was on 26th of June 2005 that I entered a class room in kendriya vidaylaya for the first time. I had never been to such a school, where discipline is all about. I have studied in a rural school, which was under kerala state so I wrote the state board exams. It took about 3 months for me to adjust with the schooling conditions of K.V. I have never had a class work note till my 10th from 8th std. Nor I did a home work... The science exhibition held was a memorable one. I and my friends got selected, only because of the computer presentation we did, never on the theme.

It gave me an ample opportunity to visit kv drdo, Bangalore which in turn gave a no. of friends. So it ends there. Regarding my school life there after, I have never been a good student so far. I have scored very low marks in all exams I wrote, I could have done better, but past is dead and gone. I was always a good friend to those whom I know and for those who know me.My friends in the other class, who were with me in 10th, their class leader who was very sensitive and high pressured.

I always have great likikig for those people, because my character was similar It was in august that I talked to that girl fo the first time. Am not ashamed to say that , she in turn became the best of my few friends whom I care worth loads. I had a best friends ring of 3 people, whom I care worth loads and love worth tons. after august, my best friends list was raised to 4 including that hot tempered girl. why she came to my best friends list?? Its simple, her view point of life is so cool. I have a great desire for death and death thoughts. I would better say it was my passion and still is.

The school works were going side by side, and my friendship with her was growing to a good relation, a helpful friend I could find in her. Then it was exam time soon followed. I scored the least marks ever since my birth. It was my mistake that I never took studies serious.i repends for it now. But past is dead and gone. Soon after, it was the best part of my life that I have ever had so far, fruitful friends all around, think.com works and browsing, loads of friends all around India. Still no one was a true friend. It was in November that I met abhilash and hari, two students of kv pangode. I have never seen them so far, but we became so close friends, still not the best. We used to have loads of chatting sessions and phone calls.

By December, the hot tempered girl had become my best friend, my soul mate, whom I used to tell all my problems (I had many, which could be solved only with the help of friends). I have never had a fruitful child age. My companion was a set of books. And of course Vishnu, my friend for the last 13 years was with me as my shadow, helping me when ever I needed. But he had failed to give me the lost moments of a fruitful childhood. It was that girl who made me aware what’s child hood life, what’s the value of life. I never ever have taken my life so seriously. for me it’s just a break from birth to death. To meet many, and say bye.

By February, that friendship began to lose its foothold. I don’t know the reason still now. but I believe it was my arrogant nature which resulted in it. But still we managed to be friends. Before saying more about friendship, I was running a long lap of misfortune in my studies. I lagged behind due known reason, that I neglected my studies. still I didn’t correct it. I have always thought, let today be over, rest on tomorrow. still it’s like the same, but I have made some changes, and am still working on it to improve my studies, since I realize I got to study any how to be on earth though I never want to be.

By march, my friendship was all over and still I hoped for the best. Still there was an intimacy between us that we are friends. The period of session ending exams was a terrifying one. I worked a bit more that I worked so far to get passed. Mathematics, I was becoming poorer and poorer. Still I wrote the exams, being at the lowest of my ability, and managed to get passed.

Running geeks site was always a pleasure. The guys and gals that I met over think.com, similar of my choice were united under the group geeks, where we talk a lot about technological things. Now I stand in between life and death. I have missed the best of my friends for a reason which is unknown for me till now. Missing a friend for me is like missing half a piece of my heart. I have a small list of good friends, whom I share all my dreams and hopes, though I have lots of friends all around the world. Elizabeth, the U.K gal was one of the gifts given for me by think.com.Deepika was another, we met over think.com and now sent loads of sms and its a nice friendship.bhavya and aman are other two.

Am so happy now that I concentrate on my studies than I did last time , I have loads of friends around me and of course life is now thrilling me out to enjoy, my thoughts of death has gone to my unconscious mind, still one pain remaining in my heart. A pain which hurts as a bleeding heart, which is going to stop soon, the pain of missing a true friend, which can never be solved or cured by any medicines.

To dream is easy .to live is not. I have always dreamed a lot and I live in my dream world. My dreams so far have been true and happened to me. So I start dreaming form now. A bright future for me, in my favorite field, all pains of mine being solved and gaining back all the lost memories and getting my truest friend back, though it may remain as a dream only.may these all cracks and clashes be teh fun in her mind and may her be with me as my bets friend. still believe that i have not lost my best friends, but we are playihn hide 'n' seek.

May all my friends forgive me for being not the best of their list, may my teachers forgive me for not being a good student. May the god,(though I don’t believe) be angry with me ofr not believing in him( he have never helped me in any matters and I don’t believe in him now)may my life go away from me, due i dont deserve it.
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